Ebeano Chronicles
Ebeano Chronicles
There’s this king. His name is Igwe Ebeano of Ebeano Kingdom. Ebeano Kingdom is made of 36 villages that came together over time to be one.
To keep the peace, Igwe Ebeano must take a wife from each of the 36 villages. There’s also an Igwe-In-Council (Igwe’s cabinet of advisers).
Apart from these, there’s an Ohaneze, the consultative group of royalty and the people, the height of democracy.
Now Ohaneze is very powerful. They make the laws. They approve who can spend what. They must approve members of Igwe-In-Council.
Ohaneze is so powerful that, if the need arises, they can even remove Igwe Ebeano. They create any age grade associations they want.
Only Ohaneze can create age grade associations or disband them. Even Igwe Ebeano doesn’t have that power. They can force Igwe to fund them.
If Ohaneze asks Igwe Ebeano to fund another new age grade association they’ve created and he refuses, they won’t fund him either.
Now Ebeano is not a rich Kingdom. However, the little it has could have been better managed but for corruption & the big govt it runs.
Now, remember that Igwe Ebeano has 36 wives (lucky guy or poor guy, depending, right?) He’s also very prolific in terms of procreation.
Igwe Ebeano can only live on N150,000 per month. It is from this that he has to feed his family, run the palace & clothe his wives & kids.
Because Igwe Ebeano has so little, the quality of the food in the palace is poor. He has cut the things he can that are within his control.
Igwe Ebeano has banned cola nuts and garden egg in the palace. He has banned the serving of palm wine. He’s done these to show commitment.
However, the main expenditure is the various age grade associations that Ohaneze creates and for which he must go to them if he is to scrap.
I’ll continue if I get 20 RTs, to assure me I’m not just talking to myself.
22 RTs in 8 minutes! Wow. “We are not alone.” Let’s continue then.
Now because Igwe has 36 wives and seeeeveral children, each wife and her kids can only eat N100 Indomie once a day.
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That means that out of Igwe’s N150,000 per month, he spends N108,000 on food alone. Poor quality food o. That expenditure recurs monthly.
Apart from food, Igwe Ebeano spends another N4,500 on cleaning, firewood, etc. Before you know it N112,500 (75% of his income) is gone.
Now Igwe Ebeano has a young son in “the abroad.” His name is Feyi nwa Fada. People call him FF. He doesn’t get F in school o. He’s bright.
Feyi nwa Fada is angry that there no development in Ebeano. He wants schools, hospitals and roads, just like they have in “the abroad.”
He shouts daily at Igwe Ebeano and threatens to burn down the palace if Igwe doesn’t reduce the N112,500 he spends every month on food etc.
FF has come up with a formula. He says that out of the N150,000, Igwe Ebeano must not spend more than N60,000 on food and running costs.
That way, they will be money for Ebeano to spend on schools and hospitals, just like Ala Aku village not too far from Ebeano does.
Igwe agrees there’s a need to develop Ebeano but is not clear what he’s expected to do with his wives, Council, Ohaneze and age grade groups
Igbo Kwenu! Igbo Kwenu!!FAV to say “Hey!”
Igwe asks how on earth he’s expected to live on N60k a month. He looks at his son FF and wonders when exactly he hit his head on a stone.
Igwe Ebeano wonders where FF’s 40% formula came from, especially as Ala Aku he’s comparing Ebeano to has a much smaller population.
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The political structure of Ala Aku also means that they have an absolute ruler. None of this Igwe-In-Council, Ohaneze and age grade nonsense
Igwe Ebeano is jealous that 40% of Igwe Ala Aku’s N300,000 per month is N120,000. His own 40% is only N60,000. He wonders about this formula
Now Igwe chooses to consult his native doctor. People call him Dr Aristo because he tries to be tush but he’s really a village bush man.
Dr Aristo says: “Igweeeeee! Ebeano has a number of choices, but virtually none within your gift. Custom says you cant send away your wives.”
“Igwe, you also can’t disband Ohaneze or the expensive age groups on your own. It seems to me therefore that you have 2 main options.”
“1. You can convene a dialogue to enable Ebeano debate its own future and hopefully evolve a leaner, cheaper political structure.”
“2. You can focus on making Ebeano as rich as Ala Aku. Remove impediments to wealth, use Ebeano’s population & resourcefulness positively.”
“In the meantime, negotiate with Ohaneze, simply don’t appoint into the age grades and budget for but don’t release funds to the age grades”
Now, if you are Igwe Ebeano, whose advice will you take? Happy New Year as you vote :
- Feyi nwa Fada
- 21.1%
- Dr Aristo
- 78.9%
629 votes·Final results
38
53
29
Ebeano Chronicles – 2
Ebeano Chronicles – 2
While I’m ensconced in Onne, should we continue our Igwe Ebeano story from last year?
- Yes, biko
- 93.3%
- Mbanu (No na)
- 6.7%
60 votes·Final results
Ok. So our results are in. 93% want us to continue the Igwe Ebeano story. Here goes…
Now, Dr Aristo is reminded that there was already a conference of Ebeano people proposing how Ebeano could be restructured to be better.
Ebeano people believe that implementing the report of that Ebeano conference will turn Ebeano(where we are) to Ebeaneje (where we are going)
Dr Aristo is to recommend the report to his boss, Igwe Ebeano. Aristo is actually a native doctor, so let’s address him properly N.Dr Aristo
Igwe Ebeano is not a fan of that report because the Igwe before him that did it spent a lot of money doing it while other things suffered
N.Dr Aristo says “Igwe, at least look at the content na. Or do your own conference. We can’t continue like this and get to Ebeaneje.”
Is the village awake yet, at all? Igbo kwenu! Igbo kwenu!! Fave to answer “Iyaaaaa”, let me know I’m not talking to myself.
Ok. 20 faves. Let’s continue. Now, remember that Igwe Ebeano has 36 Lolos (queens). Of these, only 2 or 3 Lolos are involved in trading.
Only these 2 or 3 can afford to feed their children, without relying entirely on Igwe Ebeano. People wonder what the other Lolos are doing.
The farm that feeds Ebeano is located in the extreme south of the kingdom. Because the farm is in their kindred, they get extra indomie.
But the Lolos eat all the Indomie & their children are even poorer than the other kids. By the way, 1 former Lolo just returned yesterday.
Actually, the former Lolo only landed in Ebeano this morning.
Now, the process of farming has destroyed the environment of south Ebeano. Rivers are polluted. Fish are dead. Air quality bad. Cancer high.
Despite the extra Indomie they get, the southern Lolos even borrow more wrappers than the other Lolos but still look like “mgbeke” (ugly).
The children of the southern Lolos are angry, but their anger is directed at Igwe Ebeano, not at the Lolos. They start attacking the farms.
Ebeano that was already poor, now has even less food to eat. Igwe Ebeano does a deal with the agitators and “settles” their leaders.
The agitators “hammer”, move out of the farm area and acquire “Hummer” bicycles and expansive huts and in the capital of Ebeano.
Goals! They are so successful that if you ask South Ebeano kids what they want to be when they grow up, they answer in unison: “Agitator!”
Cha cha cha Igbo kwenu! Igbo kwenu!! Igbo kwezuonu ooo!!! Let me see 20 retweets, so the town crier can alert others about this story story
Haaa! 32 RTs now now? Ok. For new arrivals, welcome to nzuko ndi Igbo (Igbo meeting). Nnoo nu (welcome to you all).
Now, the South Ebeano “yoot” seeing how the elder agitators have hammered also want to lick their own palm oyel. They too start agitating.
Igwe Ebeano is now “confuse”. “Do I crush the “yoot” & end this nonsense once and for all? Or do I do another deal with the new agitators?
This rulership business no be abacha o. People like N.Dr Aristo but are dismissed as always chanting incantations to ndi mmuo (spirits).
Sorry. I mean that people like N.Dr Aristo can help but are often dismissed as always chanting incantations to ndi mmuo (spirits)
Meanwhile, Ohaneze is busy creating new age grades everyday. Instead of calling them to order, Ebeanoreans are busy vexing with Igwe Ebeano.
Igwe Ebeano submits the list of what he wants to spend this year to Ohaneze. Ohaneze refuses to bring its own list for Ebeanorians to see.
Instead, Ohaneze starts complaining about Igwe “always buying new clay pots” and starts doing Orubebe.
Ebeano “yoots” start an #occupyohaneze” campaign but it’s only on paper. The only thing they’ve occupied is this oyinbo thing called tuwita.
I dey come. Dem say make we come chop ngwongwo (tripe peppersoup.)
Oh I hear there’s a wrestling match in the village square between sherisi and asinari. Let’s continue after.
Town crier’s ogene: Kom kom kom! He who has ears let him hear. The Igwe Ebeano story will restart shortly. Tell the people. Tell the birds!!
Ok. Amalinze the Cat has thrown Okonkwo 3 times. Okonkwo only replied once. The Igwe Ebeano story is restarting. Story story! Fav to answer.
Ok. Here we go. Feyi nwa Fada has suggested that Igwe Ebeano should divorce his wives & should not smuggle any young nwa ada into the palace
But Igwe Ebeano cannot divorce his Lolos without going to Ohaneze. Ohaneze is made up of the children of the Lolos. They won’t agree.
Now, we’ve said various things that should not be blamed on Igwe Ebeano. But let’s not forget he is the Igwe. He’s there to solve problems.
The problems are many though. Apart from the agitators in the south, the children of the eastern Lolos want their own kingdom.
The children in the north have had their homes destroyed by some “efulefu” (the lost ones) that have taken up arms against Ebeano.
There’s no peace in the middle of d kingdom either. Some goat herders have been killing people. Some say they’re from neighbouring kingdoms.
Everywhere he looks, Igwe Ebeano sees problems. His Igwe-in-Council (his cabinet) are either not advising him or don’t have the answers.
Then again, maybe Igwe Ebeano is not listening to their advice. “Who mentioned ear infection? Who was it? Bring that boy here!”
Ohaneze is after Igwe’s Scribe. Something about cutting grass. Not sure about the details. He says they’re talking from their ike (behinds)
Ohaneze seems to be holding him by his amu (scrotum), determined to squeeze. Igwe Ebeano imagines the pain & crosses his legs in sympathy.
In the meantime, the formerly boisterous Scribe has been lying low. He’s even now the first to greet everybody “good morning”! Ewo! Change!!
Ndi Ebeano, you won’t even give the old man telling you this story a sip of palm wine? Odikwa egwu! Ngwanu give me 20 faves to wet my throat
Enh? Who is calling me? 22 faves. Ok but this palm wine is diluted o. Even Okoro the palm wine tapper is mentioning “dolla”. Odikwa serious!
Ekwuru Oha (he who speaks on behalf of the community) has his own troubles too. Igwe Ebeano too has him by his amu (scrotum) & is squeezing.
Ndi Ebeano are encouraging both Igwe Ebeano and Ekwuru Oha to squeeze harder. They’ll be happy with both scrotums popping. Wicked children!
Now, one innocent boy from middle Ebeano is organising a protest. They say he shows the umu adas two faces. He sings like a nightingale.
Some are standing with him, some are trolling him for fathering 7 young Ebeanorians from 5 umu adas. Uwaa kwa (this world is) pawpaw o.
Innocent knows Ndi Ebeano well well. In one of his songs, he sang “Nobody wan kpai but dem wan go heaven.” Nwanne, uwaa kwa pawpaw mehn!
It is clear that a tsetse fly has landed on Igwe Ebeano’s amu (scrotum) and is merrily sucking. Leave it, he’ll get pain. Swat it, pain too.
N.Dr Aristo can’t take it anymore. He feels enough is enough. He says to Igwe: “Igwe, whether you want my advice or not, I will give it!”
“Igweeee! Igadi ooo (you will live long o). Go to Ndi Ebano. Show them your amu (scrotum) and the big tsetse fly on it sucking you dry.”
“Tell them you will swat it dead and take the pain once and for all, instead of allowing it to give you sleeping sickness in your old age.”
Problem is that Igwe Ebeano is a man of few words. He doesn’t like talking, especially when he’s in Ebeano. Ebeano wants him to talk more.
What will Igwe Ebeano do? Join us in Part 3. The End! To God be the glory! Distributed by Nna Bros & Sons, 10 Ebinkpejo Lane, Idumota, Lagos
Sorry o. I’ve been told that Nna Bros is Pee Elu Si (PLC) and that their address is Ebinpejo (“the people are hungry”) Lane, Idumota Lagos.
Ebeano Chronicles – 3
Ebeano Chronicles – 3
Kom! Kom! Kom! Ebeano Chronicles resuming shortly. N.Dr Aristo is just rubbing nzu (chalk) around his 3rd eye. To the village square, all!!
Hian! Ekwensu (Devil) doesn’t want me to talk to my people o. They’re sending “netiworku” to disturb us in Kaduna o.
We have “won” Ekwensu after battling his demons. Amadioha has “offed” their heads. Ebeano Chronicles starting at 5pm now.
Kom! Kom! Kom!!! Ndi Ebeano bia nu o. Ebeano Chronicles is starting now. All adults to the village sqiya o. Kom! Kom!! Kom!!!
Ngwanu. Let’s go. Before we start, let us poor libation to the gods. Our son @Excelgist has provided Seamans Aromatic Schnapps and kolanut.
From this schnapps, may we drink long life and good health. From this kolanut, may we eat and get peace and togetherness in Ebeano b
We must give our ancestors schnapps to drink. But only a little o. The living are more thirsty than the dead. Fave to agree and let’s start.
Ok. A lot has happened in Ebeano since our last nzuko (meeting). Igwe Ebeano has written to Ohaneze that he’s goong to obodo oyibo to rest.
Igwe Ebeano informed Ohaneze that for 10 market days, Oparaeze, the Crown Prince will oversee the affairs of Ebeano while he’s resting.
At the end of the 10 market days, fertile maidens gathered at the market square to welcome Igwe Ebeano. But wait o! He’s not coming today?
Haa! Even before now, ndi asiri (rumour mongers) have started several rumours that Igwe has joined his ancestors.
When Igwe Ebeano now wrote Ohaneze that he was staying behind to consult some powerful dibias, ndi asiri(rumour mongers) went into overdrive
As Igwe Ebeano was resting, powerful kingmakers started to troop to obodo oyibo to see him. Even Lolos that were owing salaries joined.
They all took plenty fotos. But they were not there to famz Igwe o. Some were checking on their investment. Others were setting 2019 clock.
Is Ebeano in this skwiya at all? Ebeano kwenu! Ebeano kwenu!! Ebeano kwezuonu o!!! RT to say “Iyaaaaa.”
En hen! Na now una come na. Anyway, Ekwuru Oha (he who speaks on behalf of the community) too went to obodo oyibo to see things for himself.
But before sojourning to obodo oyibo, Ekwuru Oha appointed a powerful new Chief of Staff, N.Dr Akimu Papa Amadi, formerly a staunch Igweist.
Some are thinking Igwe would not wish to reclaim his okpu eze (crown) in 2019. Igwe is looking at them like this:
Meanwhile, Oparaeze (the Crown Prince) is running tinz and running them well, while in constant touch with Igwe Ebeano.
Ndi asiri (rumour mongers) now turned to Oparaeze & started gist about him stepping down. He’s looking at them like:
Is N.Dr Aristo going too fast with this akuko (story)? RT to say “slow down na!” Fave to say “fire on, we full ground remain!”
You see, there’s this church that catches thieving winches. Their handle is @officialEFCC & this is their signboard:
They went to a ramshackle mud hut in a poor part of Ebeano & saw 9.8 million foreign cowries that Anduru Jacobu hid:
Chei! This Anduru Jekobu is wukedi o. And we must tell him he is wukedi. In the middle of crushing poverty in that part of Ebeano kwa. Chei!
You see, we must tell Anduru he is ugly. Ndichie say if you don’t tell a man he’s ugly, when he reincarnates, he will come back ugly again!
Where is that fresh palmwine that @mgsoki brought for us? N.Dr Aristo is thirsty o. Fave for him to bring out his drinking horn abegi!
Chei! Some people are greedy eh! They are like the penis that keep digging for treasure, only to vomit the akam that was already in him!
Meanwhile, a group loyal to the former Igwe opposes Igwe Ebeano’s rule. But they have one fishbone called AMS stuck in their throat.
To spit him out, mba! To swallow him kwanu, no way! His people allege he is sponsored by Igwe Ebeano but nobody knows. Story for another day
Ewooo! Is that the moon I see? We’ve been telling this akuko for 3 hours solid. Join us for Part 4. The end! To God be the glory.
Ebeano Chronicles – 4
Ebeano Chronicles – 4
Now N.Dr Aristo is an Eze mmuo, not an ordinary dibia. A dibia gives merecine, sets bones and cure ailments. An Ezemmuo can do those & more.
You see, an Ezemmuo is the mouthpiece of the gods. He speaks truth to power without fear or favour. The only thing an Ezemmuo fears is fear.
As the gods give an Ezemmuo many gifts, they also demand a lot more from him. He can indulge in strong drink but must not eat unclean things
While in the spirit, he must abstain from pleasures of the flesh, lest he takes the same canal through which he came, to join his ancestors.
In order to take the Nwokorobia Agu title, he must get the confirmation of 3 out of the 4 umu adas. If there’s a tie, all umu adas will vote
Eze mmuo proceeds to the hut of the first emoji and shows himself. She is too shy to look and waives him on. One down, 2 to go.
GIF
Eze mmuo proceeds to the hut of the second umu ada emoji. She, she looks o and is even impressed. She approves. 2 down, 1 to go.
GIF
On to the hut of the 3rd nwa ada emoji. It doesn’t go well. She sees him and asks “Is that it?” Ezemmuo still needs one more.
GIF
Hmmm? 11 faves already? Are they all umu adas? Hmmm? It’s ok. Married men too count as umu adas. Sensible ones anyway.
As Ezemmuo prepares to take this title, he remembers his father, Nwokorobia Agu 1 of Ebeano. Everybody please FV to say Rest in Peace!
Nwokorobia Agu! The gentle lion that kills two elephants at the same time while other Ezemmuos chase rabbits. Rest in perfect peace!
N.Dr Aristo has now emerged titled! All hail Nwokorobia Agu!! Let me see 10 RTs to call others to the markate skwiya for #EbeanoChronicles.
Fortified by the blessings of his forebear, Ezemmuo sets forth. Now, after a long sojourn in “the abroad”, Igwe Ebeano is back!
Although confounded that Igwe came back alive after malicious rumours that he had joined his ancestors, ndi asiri (rumour mongers) continued
You see, Igwe Ebeano announced he wanted to rest a little from his long sojourn and asked Oparaeze (the Crown Prince) to continue for now.
Ndi asiri started with “Why did he come back when he knew he wasn’t well enough?” Within 3 days though, Igwe Ebeano was back on his throne.
Meanwhile, one of the Lolos in the middle kingdom called Kaduna had sung him a loooong song full of proverbs.
Why the Lolo didn’t just whisper to Igwe in “za oza room” is a mystery, since he has unfettered access to Igwe Ebeano’s “oza room.”
Hmm! It seem all is not well. You see, the people of the western kindred have a saying that it’s during a quarrel that songs become proverbs
Now, opinion is sharply divided as to why Lolo L. Rufai sang that song publicly. Some say he was being a good friend, others cite ambition.
Listening to the lyrics of the song though, the Lolo may have feared that the Scribe and the Chief of Palace staff may have blocked him.
Nwokorobia Agu is unconcerned about Lolo KD’s motive and would rather focus on the substance of the song. People can sing spontaneously.
You see, Ezemmuo has shouted himself hoarse about everything the Lolo said about the public service of Ebeano. He had even gone to see Lolo!
So, what will Igwe Ebeano do? It’s unclear, particularly as the song was actually sung 6 moons ago and yet nothing significant has changed.
The gods know what will happen but has commanded Ezemmuo to bite his tongue for now. An Ezemmuo must obey or face death beneath the waist.
Meanwhile, Igwe Ebeano asked Ohaneze to confirm the head of one anti onyoshi (thief) age grade. They said No. He sent his name again.
You see, his name sounds like “magun” (don’t climb), one powerful western kindred juju that kills after making you somersault 3 times.
Although he was a priest under the leadership of the first anti onyoshi (thief) chairman, he seems not to have learnt the ways of Ohaneze.
You see, like his boss Igwe Ebeano, Mazi Magun is a man of few words. His strength is in catching ndioshi (tifs), not answering questions.
Ohaneze asked Magun why the Gorvanaw of the Central Barn was not arrested for giving yams to goats. He stared at the ceiling like in an exam
Ajukwam. Eze mmuo a amarokwa the answer (Don’t ask me. Eze mmuo doesn’t know the answer). Ohaneze wants to climb. So they said No again.
You see, Mazi Magun is like a hunter that sets his trap in the markate skwiya, yet expects clever goats to come and fall into it. Ewoo!
But only 2 turned up. The 3rd one didn’t come. One is one dada from Opobo kindred. He has a large following among the “yoot” of Ebeano.
Some people are worried that the dada may being used by former ndi ozo (titled men), given the frequency with which he attacks Igwe.
But Nwokorobia Agu had the dada in his hut for 2 weeks and knows he’s just a yoot that is angry with everyone and everything in Ebeano.
The other contestant is a fearsome troll that is both despised & respected by all. He’s been banished by camps of both former & present Igwe
This papa is so fearsome that he cannot even look at himself in an oyinbo “mirro” and has had to replace his own head with that of a donkey.
Who will Ezemmuo support? Well, he’ll await their manifestos before consulting the gods. Meanwhile, Ezemmuo notes the slight of the 3rd man.
Eze mmuo hears that the 3rd person is loyal to some other dibias, and that he even flogged some umu adas in the market skwiya recently. Ok o
The fear that people have about donkey-head papa is that they don’t know what he looks like. They worry about being led by a faceless man.
Well, by the favour of the gods, I am the Ezemmuo of this kingdom. It is not the culture of Ebeano to reveal the identity of a masquerade
However, if and when the time comes, he must reveal himself to Ezemmuo. Eze mmuo cannot bless a jakki (donkey). Aru! Tufiakwa!! Gods forbid!
Meanwhile, the value of the Ebeano cowrie has gone up and continues to go up. Palm oyel prices have gone up across the world.
The yoot in the south south kingdom have also been temporarily satisfied, so the production of palm oyel has gone up significantly.
As if we don’t know that it’s the rise in global palm oyel prices & increased production that caused it, our Gorvanaw is displaying Chinese!
Meanwhile, the Errconomists keep saying the Gorvanaw of the Central Barn will run out of yams to prop up the Cowrie. He hasn’t, so far.
Maybe, just maybe, this our Gorvarnaw is not a bumbling onye nzuzu (fool) after all. Ebeano waits. Meanwhile, long may it continue to rise.
There is deathly silence in this markate skwiya. Is Ebeano asleep? Fave to hail Ezemmuo “Nwokorobia Agu!” Ogbuebo! (He who kills in pairs!!)
Meanwhile, our wuked friend Anduru Jekobu has liver o. He says he was gifted all those cowries found with him. What did he do to deserve it?
Also, did he declare them in accordance with the Public Service Rules? The age grade association that catches ndioshi has charged him.
They accuse him of washing Ebeano Cowries with omo and “oning” ntuoyi (air conditioner) for it. Chei! Anduru nwa Jekobu, idikwa wukedi.
@seunonigbinde you come this nzuko? We needed to chop down this mound of akpu before us to see who is sitting on de other side of the skwiya
Now, as we are telling Anduru Jekobu that he’s ugly, the nnukwu mmanwu (big masquerade) is only just now beginning to come out o.
Wait o. Is that breasts I see on that big masquerade? Eze mmuo’s eyesight is failing these days and he may need to touch to be sure.
I’m touching now. Chei! The sacrifices I have to make for the gods! *sigh*. Oturugbeke o! It’s a woman o. They say her name is Di Eze Ani.
She is currently in “the abroad” and any one that Mazi Magun catches her with, she will do a Shaggy and sing “It wasn’t me!” Ebeano waits.
Since she keeps saying “It wasn’t me”, Ebeano waits for the En Gee O from the south east kindred (it’s usually us) that will claim ownership
Chei! Nekwa nu o. The sun has gone down. Ezemmuo must go and attend to the rites to cleanse Ebeano of evil. Watch out for Part 5.
Part 4 of #EbeanoChronicles is marketed by High Sea Containers Pee Elu See, 25 Uppie Iweka (Upper Anger is More), Onitsha. Aristo out
Ebeano Chronicles – 5
Ebeano Chronicles – 5
#EbeanoChronicles 10 minutes
Obi has come down from the tree. He wants dollars for his mmanya mriri (water wine: palm wine), but Emefiele is like:
Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu! Kwezuonu oooo!!! Is Ebeano at the skwiya? RT to say Iyaaaa and call others to #EbeanoChronicles.
Our son @adesoji45 has brought anu nchi (grass-cutter) and palmy to the market skwiya. Those that own us will bless him. May he never fall.
Even if our son, @adesoji45 is to fall, Amadioha forbid, may he fall like the penis and not like the breast.
For when the penis falls, he will rise again once he sees his food. But when the breast falls, it has fallen o.
As our son, Furevor, says “Ala dala ada ada go” (the breast that has fallen has fallen). Ezemmuo hears that they now put salt water in it o.
So Ezemmuo went to the bush to source herbs to make merecine for one Mazi and another one started shouting and throwing his weight around.
Mazi Okeke: “Do you know who I am?” My sister nwada @Tutsy22 shouted back “Ebeano come o. There’s a Mazi here who doesn’t know who he is!”
At the beginning of the new moon (May 1st) ndi workers made their annual demand for an increase in the yams they are paid for their labour.
As usual, those “workers” who do no work at all were at the forefront of the agitation. They even went to occupy Eagle Skwiya.
The fowl has decided to blow breeze on its own behind, saying “En hen? This is me in all my glory. What are you going to do about it?”
Apart from Ohaneze people in some age grades earn far more yams than others, for doing exactly the same labourer work.
So, if you do your labourer work in the Central Barn or in the Ebeano National Oyil Corporation, you are a freeborn and others are Osu.
Osus are outcasts to be sacrificed to the gods. A practice that Ebeano is trying to get rid of. So how does Ebeano deal with the free borns?
Even Ndi Ebeano that are putting their lives on the line to fight ndi efulefu Boko Haram in the north east earn much less than Central Barn.
So ndi labour want Ebeano them to pay more yams. Igwe Ebeano is now “confuse.” Ndi labour already eat 70%. Only 1.8 million of them o.
The other 73.2 million Ebeanorians are expected to live on the remaining 30%, plus the crumbs that fall from the tables of state Lolos.
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Did Ezemmuo just say 73.2 million? See Evil Spirits affecting his speech. He meant 173.2 million. Where’s that palmy?
At the same time, Ebeano doesn’t want Igwe to sack workers. Indeed, they think Igwe should employ more yoots and pay more. Igwe is like:
Now Igwe Ebeano cannot reduce the yams he gives to some people and at the same time cannot raise the yams he gives to others. Hmmm.
“Igwe. It is true that ndi workers get too few yams. Indeed, they get fewer yams than ndi workers in other parts of Afirika. Not even top 10
“So, there are two solutions. First is to reduce the number of people doing nothing in the age grade associations (agencies.)”
“That way, you can pay those that remain more yams. The second is to grow more yams and make it easier to do the business of growing yams.”
“With Ebeano having more yams, paying ndi workers more will not look like that much of a big deal. But you need to wait until then, Igwe.”
If you agree with ndi Labour that the minimum yams should rise immediately regardless, please RT. If you agree with Nwokorobia Agu, then FAV
Hm? Who is calling Ezemmuo? 22 FAVs already? Ok. Let’s continue. Let’s leave ndi Labour to their delusions.
Now, Ebeano has had many incidences of orphan cowries. Once E Ef See See discovers huge stacks of cowries, everybody denies ownership.
The latest one is orphan hotels. The allegation is that the Lolo of Zamfara built the MMM (Mekwe Meningitis Motel), but he has denied it.
The hope is that the $3 million Motel will be used to house Ebeanorians that have no hut to live in and those suffering from meningitis.
Meanwhile, Igwe Ebeano has sojourned again to obodo oyibo to consult powerful dibias. When he was leaving, he wrote to Ohaneze, as usual.
Then ndi asiri started again. That he said Oparaeze will coordinate activities in the kingdom, instead of acting on his behalf.
Meanwhile, Oparaeze started showing his humorous side. He sang Ajeku Iya and joked about whistleblowing.
Immediately, Oparaeze has started issuing orders to make farming in Ebeano easier. People must now buy Made-In-Ebeano to grow Ebeano.
Let’s see whether Ohaneze will listen and buy Innoson with the billions they voted for themselves for new boats.
They must also give permission for license applications within 48 hours and must stop “excessive greeting” at airport toilets.
Meanwhile, ndi iro (haters) posted pictures about flooding in an air boat park and claimed it was the newly done air park in Ebeano capital.
They didn’t even care that it didn’t rain that much in the capital. The desperation to paint Igwe Ebeno in bad light is really strong o.
However, it is only as strong as the desperation of some to paint him in good light. Some yoot even post pictures of abandoned luxury boats.
They then claim it was luxury boats recovered by E Ef See See, to show that Igwe is working. Even though the boats were in China.
Some have said Ebeano should legislate against fake news. But, their records of fake news will legislate against them, without legislation.
Meanwhile, Sinator Ajeku Iya of Ohaneze has written a book. E Ef See See didn’t attend the book launch but I See Pee See went. Na wa o.
President of Ohaneze was a major launcher and Payshay Diaris God o was also there. Alhaji Putin, as usual, sold guns to both sides. AGIP!
Ohaneze bought copies for all their members to make sure they learn how to do kwarrapshan, with our money o. Chei! The life of an Osu!
As the moon comes out over Ebeano, Ezemmuo needs to go and attend to his other duties and make sacrifices to cleanse Ebeano land of evil.
Join us in the next edition of #EbeanoChronicles. This edition is distributed by Okon Calabar Pee Elu See. 2, Okpon Ibot Road, Calabar.
Aristo out! Peace !
Ebeano Chronicles – 6
Ebeano Chronicles – 6
Cha! Cha!! Cha!!! Ebeano Kwenu! Ebeano Kwenu!! Ebeano Kwezuonu oooo!!! Onye ga agba egwu? (Who will dance?) #EbeanoChronicles is live!
Ndi Ebeano, nno nu o (People of Ebeano, you are all welcome). It’s been a long long time since our last nzuko (meeting) in this skwiya.
Igwe Ebeano has been away for 3 moons but is now back. We must tell Igwe all that has happened in his absence first. 10 RTs to call others!
Choi! Ndi Ebeano di too sharp!! 10 RTs in less than a minute!!! Ok. Let’s go and see Igwe Ebeano.
Igweeee! Igwe, I ga di o (Igwe, you will live long). Ezemmuo wants to report that your son, Crown Prince Oparaeze is a true son of Ebeano.
In the 3 moons that you have sojourned to obodo oyibo to consult powerful dibias, Oparaeze has done you proud. He’s held the fort admirably.
Oparaeze has done both your job and his own, without an apprentice, like you have in him. His head has more grey hairs than when you left.
Your Lolo, the one in the western kindred where they eat pounded yam without soup, threatened to release pictures of you on life support.
This particular Lolo has insulted your predecessors in the past and went to prostrate later. He now says he wants your throne. Odi egwu!!
Igwe, your return is timely o. Oparaeze had to go to the coronation of Igwe Rwanda. In his absence, Ekwuro Oha would have been in charge.
But Ekwuru Oha (he who speaks on behalf of the community) did not get a chance because Oparaeze came back almost immediately.
The gods had revealed to Ezemmuo that you will be back yesterday. A man doesn’t stay far from where his corn is roasting. You didn’t! Nno.
Igwe, while you were gone, some people started saying “Our mumu don do.” Instead of leaving them to vent, your courtma tear gassed them.
But the same courtma (police) protected those that were saying “We, we no be mumu.” Igwe, your Ezemmuo spoke truth to power, as usual.
Then the leaders of “Our mumu don do” took their protest to the markate. As Beyoncé has beehives, Igwe Bubu too has beehives. They attacked.
Igwe, tell your beehives not to be beating people o, abeg. If anything had happened to Charlie, onye isi (head of) ndi okada, yawa for dey o
Igwe, while you were away, kwarrapshan changed levels o. Before you left, we had orphan cowries that nobody initially came forward to claim.
Now, we are having massive huts in Banana Island that nobody is claiming. The town crier went round o. Everybody sang Shaggy “it wasn’t me.”
Meanwhile, your son MC Stats @sgyemikale released details of what Ndi Ebeano perceived to be the level and nature of kwarrapshan in Ebeano.
I know it doesn’t come to you as a surprise that your courtma (police) won. The person you put in charge of their Complaints reacted badly.
Instead of blaming the anus that did the farting, he started “konking” the head of your MC Stats and rubbishing the work of his team.
Igwe, you recall that, BY LAW, your MC Stats and his team are the ONLY ones allowed to release credible official statistics about Nigeria.
Igwe, somebody you recruited to protect the law, and whom you gave a gun to do it with, if necessary, is rubbishing the law of the land o.
Igwe, that particular courtma has also been subbing Ezemmuo, but he had ignored him since a lion doesn’t turn around when a small dog barks.
Igwe, please tell MC Stats that a courtma on Tuwita is still a courtma. It doesn’t matter how much you wash a goat, it will still smell.
This markate skwiya is rather silent o. Am I talking only to ghosts or are humans here too. Let me see 20 Faves to know I’m not alone here.
Igwe, the courtma seems to be begging you with his name o. In the language of the western kindred, his name can literally mean “remove me”!
Igwe, while you were away, your courtma caught a notorious suspected kidnapper called Evans. This was very good commendable work.
The problem, Igwe, is that your courtma then proceeded to shamelessly start famzing with him, even taking selfies. Odi kwa serious o, Igwe.
Igwe, ndi Enjaysee that settle quarrels and punish crime also reacted strangely to what Ndi Ebeano are saying about level of kwarrapshan.
Their own was that “we chop a little bribe, but not as much as MC Stats said.” My lords, it wasn’t MC Stats that said. It was Ndi Ebeano.
Igwe, while you were away, alu mekwaa (an abomination happened). Some devils went to a church in Ozobulu and killed worshippers inside.
They say it has to something to do with ogwu ojoo (bad merecine or hard drugs). They say some bishops have been dining with the devil.
Ndi efulefu (the lost ones) Boko Haram have also stood up from where you told them to “stoop down” and are killing people again.
Igwe, while you were gone, ndi PeeDeePee have managed to remove the fish bone that was stuck in their throat. The convened successfully.
One of their Lolos even had the maturity to come and welcome you yesterday. This is true African spirit, which must be commended.
In Africa, when a man returns from the dead, the whole community celebrates, both friends and enemies. Respect to Lolo of the many rivers.
Igwe, as you know, your Ezemmuo has been in the palace for 4 years now. He must now return to the bush from whence he came.
While he’s in the bush strengthening his charms and recharging his batteries, he remains committed to the progress of Ebeano.
Ezemmuo thanks Igwe GEJ who gave him an opportunity to serve based on his reputation only. Ezemmuo respects his contributions to Ebeano.
Ezemmuo also thanks Igwe PMB for trusting Ezemmuo’s integrity and giving him a free hand to intervene wherever Ndi Ebeano wanted him to.
Ezemmuo has many imperfections. He has wronged many people in his time in the palace, but it was always in the zeal to do his job for Ebeano
Even with the spirit in him, Ezemmuo is only human. He laughs, he cries, he gets happy, he gets sad. He gets subs and subs back.
His words often go from the sublime to the ridiculous. That’s what makes him the Ezemmuo he is. No apologies for being the Ezemmuo he is.
However, sincere apologies to everyone he has offended, including today. Having disagreed, we must now unite Ebeano and move it forward.
Until we meet again to work together on any other platform for the progress of Ebeano, Ezemmuo Ebeano says “E go be.”
Ebeano Chronicles – 7
Ebeano Chronicles – 7
Cha! Cha!! Cha!!! Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu!! Kwezuonu ooo!! #EbeanoChronicles for #NSF2017 is live!
For new attendees to our village skwiya, you are welcome to #EbeanoChronicles, perhaps the longest-running thread on Twitter. Ekene mu unu nine (I greet you all.)
Since our last nzuko (meeting), a lot has happened in Ebeano. Ezemmuo Ebeano has left the Igwe’s palace and retreated into the bush to hunt for bushmeat to feed his family that had virtually starved for 4 years. He only decided to come out for #NSF2017.
Igwe Ebeano has since returned from obodo oyibo where he has been attended to by powerful dibias. He now appears strong enough to go take titles in ani Igbo (Igbo land). He went and came back safely o, despite empty threats by those that say they want to leave Ebeano for Biafra.
After he came back, the First Lolo has emerged from za oza room to complain about the hospital at Igwe’s palace. She says they don’t even have syringes and the oyibo juju with which you can see the bones inside a person’s body.
Is Ebeano in this markate skwiya at all? Let me see 15 retweets to let me know that Ezemmuo is not talking only to spirits and imps.
Enh? 31 retweets already? Unu abiago? Have you people come? Ngwanu (oya nau) let’s continue. There is one civil servant. Although he’s only a Deputy Director, he’s a main man. In fact, his name is Main A. Since Ezemmuo has been in the bush, he’s been hearing things about Main A.
You see, this is what Ezemmuo was told. Some wicked people had been eating the yams kept for old retired people. They had been sleeping on Ghana-must-go bags waiting for their benefits in the office of the Head of the civil servants who had been controlling the yams.
The Igwe at the time formed a committee headed by Mr Main A to look into it. Very quickly, Mr Main A discovered that the people in charge of the yams are the ones eating the yams of the retirees. He confronted the main keeper of the yams and put the evidence in front of them.
Mr Main A first used the information to control his Oga. His Oga would even leave meetings with Igwe’s Ministers to answer Mr Main A’s calls whenever he calls. Mr Main A then started calling his Oga just for fun. Chai! Ajonwa! (Bad child!)
After a while, Mr Main A thought: “No be person born me too?” “I no go pay school fees?” Abegi! He then started asking for a cut. From his large cut, he started living large. He was buying houses in the capital of Ebeano and in many other places.
Before long, Ohaneze heard that Mr Main A and his ogas were chopping sugarcane. They wanted their own part of it. They invited Mr Main A and his ogas. Main A said “Well Oga, water don pass garri o. Me I’ll talk to save my skin o, since you people have refused me a bigger slice.”
Before long, Mr Main A was shot at, twice! He ran away from Ebeano and kept his head down until the Igwe that appointed him left. Before he left, the Igwe made sure that he was dismissed from the service for absconding from duty. Mr Main A didn’t worry about it. He waited.
When a new Igwe ascended the throne, Mr Main A put his formidable charms to use. He got a court order that said that his warrant of arrest by Ohaneze was illegal. Armed with this, he got his people to approach the people of Okaiwu (Lawyer) General to overturn his sacking.
Okaiwu General wrote FOUR letters asking for the court order to be obeyed. Ebeano is not wondering why Okaiwu General was so interested in obeying this PARTICULAR court order when there are many others that he was clearly not as keen to ensure the obedience of.
Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu!! Kwezuonu!!! Let me see 20 retweets to let Ezemmuo know that he heard Ebeano’s question to Okaiwu General very well.
23 retweets in 6 minutes? Odikwa serious o. Ebeano nokwa (is) here o nwanne ( my brother/sister). Anyway, before Ebeano knew what was going on, Mr Main A was back in Ebeano, complete with security protection. Chai! Uwa wu pawpaw menh yaw!
Mr Main A announced his resumption date as “Acting Director”, since the Department he was resuming to didn’t have a Director. He even offered some people appointments to come and see him in his big office. At the same time, he printed posters to be gorvanaw in his home state.
Ebeano collectively shouted “Mbanu (No nau), hei!” Some powerful king makers now caked Igwe Ebeano and said “Igwe, when a snake fails to show its venom, children will use it to tie firewood” ( courtesy of the great people at @IgboProverbs_).
They reminded Igwe about his Anticorruption stance and that you can tell how smelly feaces would be by how smelly the fart is. Ebeano said “Igwe, how far na?” Osiso osiso (quick quick) Igwe ordered Mr Main A’s sacking. Ndi okacha malu ( too-know people) on Tuwita started.
To show that he was listening to Ebeano, Igwe Ebeano quickly finished reading the report on grass cutting and orphan cowries in Ikoyi that he had been reading at the rate of one page per month. The snake finally showed its venom. The grass cutter and the chief spy were cut down.
Igwe appointed a new scribe whose name is oga. Quick quick, Ebeano people stopped naming their children names like Miracle and Favour @Rouvafe and started naming them “Boss.” They started asking “Who Favour epp? Favour na SGF? Si eba puo osiso! (Get out of here right now!)
Coming out of the bush into Ebeano again, Ezemmuo’s heart is heavy. He suspects that the powerful dibias across the sea that treated Igwe Ebeano secretly planted a secret charm on him that makes Ebeano self harm. Ezemmuo must now return to the forest to polish his charms further.
Meanwhile, Ezemmuo has heard that the Igwe of Zimbabwe is in the process of being deposed. The army is in negotiations with him. They said “Igwe Zimbabwe, we here that the Lolo of Imo in Nigeria is erecting statues. You can go to Imo and stand there pretending to be a statute.”
Igwe Zimbabwe said “Mba nu ( No nau). Let Lolo Imo do a statute of my Lolo Grace, after all, he’s done one for Zuma (continue stealing, in Igbo.) he didn’t do one for nnanyi (our father) Zik or even Sam Mbakwe from the same Imo kindred.)” Odiegwu (na wa o).
Umu nwannem, okwu Ebeano na fu Ezemmuo ufu na obi. (The matters of Ebeano are causing Ezemmuo heartache.) Ezemmuo must now return to the bush. Till we meet again ka odi (E go be). May the gods bless the organisers of #NSF2017. Ezemmuo Ebeano out! Udo (Peace)!
Ebeano Chronicles – 8
Ebeano Chronicles – 8
Cha! Cha!! Cha!!! Ebeano kwenu! Kwenu!! Kwezuo nuoooo! #EbenaoChronicles is now live! For new visitors to our markate skwiya, nno nu (you are all welcome.) Ezemmuo Ebeano welcomes you to what is perhaps the longest-running thread on Tuwita.
A lot has happened in Ebeano since our last nzuko (meeting). Where do we start? Before we start, can we have a minute’s silence to respect those that have dies of cancer today #WorldCancerDay2018. Also, for nna anyi Chief Alex Ekwueme who was buried recently. May they all RIP.
Thank you all. Now there’s a former Igwe that has a big farm in the western kindred, so he could rightly be called a Farmer. The current Igwe has a herd of cattle in the northern kindred, so he could be called…Wait! Is Ebeano here at all? Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu! Answer with 20 RTs
Hmmm? Who is calling Ezemmuo? 34 RTs kita kita (now now)? Ok. Let’s kontinuu. There have been clashes between farmers and herdsmen in Ebeano recently. A lot of killings and reprisal killings have been going on. Ezemmuo’s heart bleeds at this. Igwe has not done enough to curb it.
Ezemmuo has asked questions as to what the problem is, and been told that there are a number of issues. The Sahara desert is advancing at the rate of 600 meters a year. That is 6 kilometres every 10 years. Lake Chad is drying up. This is forcing more and more people southwards.
On the other hand, the population of Ebeano is growing at the rate of 3% per annum. This means that the supply of available land is shrinking daily as Ebeano grows. People say there are grazing routes for herdsmen dating back to Colonial times that have still not been gazetted.
On the other hand, the Land Use Act that the former Igwe, the Farmer, enacted when he was a Soja Head of State of Ebeano vests all land in the states in the Lolos (gorvanaws). The southern Lolos need to develop their states. There is no land to give to grazing routes. Conflict!
The ever-present issues of ethnicity have stoked what is, in effect, a structural and developmental problem. Nearly 3 years since the current Igwe ascended the throne, the promises that he made before ascending the throne have not been kept with regards to Farmers/ Herders.
Ezemmuo has seen these with his ordinary eyes. But with his spiritual 3rd eye, he is seeing something entirely different. You see, Ezemmuo has made sacrifices to the gods and asked them to reveal to him what Ebeano’s problem really is. They showed him something much more sinister
Our broda, @Omojuwa, has also visited Ezemmuo’s shrine to make enquiries, as he thinks that Ebeano has been designed to frustrate the majority of Ndi Ebeano (Ebeano people). The gods took Ezemmuo back to the time just before the Sojas left and showed him a meeting that took place
At that meeting, the K-Leg Society was formed. The Society was a truly Ebeanorean society. No tribalism, no ethnicity, no religious differences, no Northern agenda, no Southern agenda, no Middle Belt agenda. Power was just a means to an end. The end that united members was Money.
Members of the K-Leg Society had fully worked out Ebeano. Members do no work. They do not seek power, but will occasionally give the impression that they do when their stream of money is threatened. They generally have permanent suites in the top hotels.
Whenever a new Igwe mounts the throne and wants to start forming anticorruption, they meet and decide what they should give him. Depending on the Igwe, it could be Niger Delta Militants, Boko Haram, IPOB or Herdsmen. Whatever happens, the Igwe will pay and they will chop.
Meanwhile, they will be giving the roots peanuts to be abusing each others’ fathers and forming NotTooYoungToRun. Because they control the structures and the delegates that nominate Igwes, Lolos and Ohanezes (assemblies) in each party, the yoot cannot even crawl, talk less of run
They got the former Igwe that took over from the Farmer Igwe to pay amnesty. They chopped. They deceived the Igwe before this current one to pay huge sums so that they could negotiate with Boko Haram. They chopped. They are now telling the current Igwe about compensation for cows
As Ezemmuo was seeing this vision, everything suddenly became blurry. Ezemmuo doesn’t know whether this thing he saw in a dream is real o. He had indulged rather heavily on some shekpe the night before. He now needs to make further sacrifices to the gods to reveal more to him.
Meanwhile, the Farmer Igwe has had a hand in the installation of all the Igwes that came after him, both as a Soja Igwe and a democratic one. Whenever he feels he is losing control over them, he writes them a letter. He has written one to the current Igwe. Na did we day go next.
Chai! Ezemmuo’s throat is dry o. Can any umuada bring Ezemmuo something to wet his throat? Oh, I see that @toyosilagos has brought some mmanya mmiri (palm wine). The gods bless you my daughter. I wanted to pray that you will only bear sons for us, but then who will they marry?
Ezemmuo rues the fact that Ebeano sons cannot even afford to bring 1 bottle of schnapps. They say that the country is hard. That they’ve just paid school fees & house rent and that Jenuwary has been two moons in one. Story! The gods don’t care. Ezemmuo is fining them 20 FVs.
The elders have intervened. They have pointed out that even Sinator Ajeku Iya has attested that things are hard in Ebeano. They have asked Ezemmuo to plead with the gods to manage 18 FVs like that and kontinuu with the letter that Farmer former Igwe wrote to the current one.
Ok then. The Farmer former Igwe has written complaining that the present Igwe is not ruling well. You see, each Igwe is allowed one Ofala (anniversary festival) after 4 years, after which he must descend from the throne. The current Igwe is preparing for his Ofala next year.
Igwe Farmer says the current Igwe should not present himself for his Ofala next year, and should step down. The current Igwe remembers that Igwe Farmer had attempted to rule for 12 years. Even the military Igwe that handed over to the Farmer asked Igwe Farmer “Kilode?” Igwe said:
Meanwhile, since the K-Legg Society decided on which K-leg to give to Igwe, Eee Efu See See has stopped discovering orphan cowries everywhere. No more Anduru Jekobu. No More Ikoyi cowries. They have attacked the home of the one whose name sounds like the Yoruba juju, magun.
Igwe is watching them closely, because our people say that when one’s fowl goes missing, the aroma of a neighbours soup suddenly becomes suspicious. However, Ndi Ebeano are faced with more immediate problems. They feel the herdsmen/ farmer issue must stop if Igwe wants an Ofala.
Ndi Ebeano have also not had foowel for nearly 3 moons now. Igwe had told them that once he increased the price of foowel, the annual scarcity will end. Igwe said he needed to remove the money that the K-Leg Society was chopping. Surprisingly, Ebeano agreed and did not protest.
Now, Igwe Letter Writer is an experienced Soja. He knows exactly when to launch an offensive that will cause maximum damage. Between farmer/ herder issues, foowel scarcity and unusually hot weather, plus many self-inflicted wounds, he could not have chosen a better time.
Many were expecting Igwe to counter attack, but Igwe just said “Enh, e don do. We don hear. Thank you!” Although Igwe presented his own scorecard, many still felt that Igwe Farmer’s accusations were valid. Igwe had no defence to the allegation that he only favours his own clan.
Igwe farmer has started pushing for a 3rd Force, but most members are from the 1st force when Igwe was on the throne. He had pushed for a 3rd term when he was Igwe and is also now on his 3rd wife. As it happens, the 3rd Force movement is now…well…three. Na waa.
Meanwhile, Ndi Ebeano have been complaining about SARS and have been asking that something be done to end brutality. The head of the people that wear black and carry batons announced that he was setting up a committee to “restructure” SARS instead. Since then, no further news.
It seems that the “setting up of the committee” was just a ploy to end ENDSARS. Ndi Ebeano in typical fashion seem to have have moved on to focus on getting foowel instead. Igwe’s party has also set up a committee to look into the clamouring for “Restructuring”. Same approach?
It is now clear to Ezemmuo that Ebeano has entered a one-chance vehicle without brakes. The vehicle doesn’t have a visible driver. Instead, it appears to be controlled by a remote control in the hands of the K-Leg Society. Ndi yoot Ebeano urgently need to form their own society.
That society should adopt the same approach that the K-Leg Society adopted. No ethnicity. No Religion. No Tribalism. No North. No South. No Middle Belt. No Politics. The only uniting factor for now should be the determination to grab the remote control from the K-Leg Society.
The gods have asked Ezemmuo to support that initiative, and to lend his awesome powers to ALL individuals and groups that aim for this same objective of rescuing Ebeano. Ezemmuo wants nothing for himself. He has enough power of his own and doesn’t want more. Money is beneath him.
Chei! Is that the time? Ezemmuo must now return to the forest. He understands that this edition of #EbeanoChronicles has been more serious than others in tone. But na condition make crayfish bend. Until we meet again, Ezemmuo Ebeano says “E go be.” Peace!
Ebeano Chronicles – 9
Ebeano Chronicles – 9
Cha, cha, cha! Ebeano kwenu! Cha, cha, cha! Ebeano kwenu! Cha, cha, cha! Ebeano kwenuzuonu oooo! Ezemmuo is here in the flesh. Welcome back to perhaps the longest-running thread on Tuwita. Ndi Ebeano ha nokwa here (are the people of Ebeano here)? Retweet to call others o.
Chei! Ndi Ebeano. It’s been long o. A lot has happened since our last gathering at the village skwiya. As the time was approaching to either select a new Igwe or ask the present Igwe to continue, Ezemmuo decided to retreat deep into the forest to avoid contamination.
However, he still came out occasionally whenever Ebeano was threatened with sacrilege. After all, it is our ancestors that say that you must scratch a mosquito bite, if for nothing else, to show that you care about your body. Ezemmuo fears no mosquito though. His blood is bitter.
Before we start, let me thank the attendants at Ezemmuo’s shrine, umummuo (children of the spirits):@EzeasorIje @ziniex @Ehix07 @ijeoma_miriam @adukegeorge & nwannem oma @julietkego, my guys @Omojuwa @zeal_a and many others allowed to slap Ezemmuo occasionally to keep him real.
Let me also thank all those that brought palmwine and kola to this gathering: @oluwa_skeep @kenemodeye @buzuzu7 @omokhojieId and @IamKingsleyOgar. Special thanks to @BashEya for sweeping the market skwiya this afternoon. You will always know a well-brought-up son of Ebeano. Daalu
While Ezemmuo was in the bush, he did not realize that his dear sister @yodifiji had lost her dad. Ndo nwannem (Sorry, my sister). Please forgive me. You can’t throw away your brother, especially when he’s an Ezemmuo now. Who will make merecin for you? May his soul Rest In Peace.
As others were bringing palm wine and kola for the gods, one yeye guy @zed_skills was asking Ezemmuo to turn water into wine and feed the multitude. Agwaram gi na mbu Jesu (Did I tell you that I am Jesus)? Biko let’s start our meeting jare. Ebeano kwenu! Let me see 20 RTs first.
The one who slaps Ezemmuo the hardest and asks him “Excuse me. What are you doing?” whenever he is about to misbehave is looking at him with corner eye right now. Ezemmuo doesn’t ever say her name but others call her @toyosilagos. Ok, so the time came to contest the Igwe-ship.
There were two families jostling to ascend the Igwe throne for the next four years. One family decided that the present Igwe will continue to represent them. There were no contestants. The other family had a lot of contestants. Then there were others that people called 3rd Force.
The family with a lot of contestants went to their family meeting in “Poracourt.” One contestant that wears a red cap had gathered a lot of people and filled several market skwiyas. His followers were all over Poracourt with their red caps. Chai! See a sea of red caps o.
Then the big boy whose name means “We have died” in the language of the western kindred came out & shared foreign cowries. Quick quick, everybody “offed” their red caps and wore their shirts that had the face of the red cap chief inside out. “If you no get money, hide your face!”
Chief “We have died” emerged the candidate. He went to bed the former Igwe, his Oga before the war. You know na. The one that writes letters. Quick quick the former Igwe dispatched a letter to the current Igwe. No Igwe has ever survived this former Igwe’s letter. Odikwa serious.
Haa! Did I say he went to bed him? Mba o. I meant to say he went to BEG him. My hand no dey o. Meanwhile, the current Igwe kept blaming the former Igwe even right up to election. Ndi Ebeano said: But we elected you so that you can buhari (turn around) Ebeano nau. Face front!”
Then ndi Ebeano said all the candidates must come for debate but they refused to face each other. In their own debate, the okpara eze (crown prince) was saying “why we are where we are.” You think it’s easy to say, okwa ya? Ngwu nu, say it quickly if you think you can do better.
The one that wanted to be the new crown prince was saying “When China returned to China. China went to China. China…China.” Then later, “India returned to China.” Anyway ndi felt that the aspiring Igwe “We have died” did better than the current Igwe “Turn around.”
Meanwhile, one Lolo in the northern kindred was caught on camera stuffing foreign cowries into his babariga. They even told him to jump up to collect it and he did! Na film trick? Igwe “Turn Around” said he didn’t know the technology they used. Even me, a whole Ezemmuo “confuse”.
That same Gancowrie Lolo now wants to depose the family head in his kindred. They say it’s because the family head called for free and fair elections. That family headship has been revered for more than 200 years o. Lolo Gancowrie is determined he must reduce his power though.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the election of a new Igwe. Ebeano yoot sharply aligned themselves behind the two old men contesting. They mercilessly abused all the 3rd Force people and anybody younger than 70 years. There is nobody that Ebeano yoot hate more than Ebeano yoot.
As elections approached, “We have died” had already won on Tuwita. It would be a walk over. Ezemmuo soon realised that many on Tuwita didn’t even have voters cards. Many people came out from behind their anonymous handles. Oh ooh. Very ugly people. That’s why they were anonymous.
The people in one western kindred now decided that when a god becomes too powerful, they will tell it from which tree it was carved. They said “Otoo ge!” It haf do! They kicked him out. A whole head of the Ebeano Assembly from the imperial family there o. Chai! Wahala dey o.
Before then, Igwe “Carry Around” (why have I been calling him “Turn Around” when he hasn’t turned Ebeano around?) decided to remove Onyeishi ndi ikpe (the head of the judges) for hiding some cowries under his mat. Is there palmie in this skwiya at all? Where’s my drinking horn?
Anyway, Ezemmuo decided to come out of the bush. He told Igwe “mba” (No)! You don’t have the power to remove him. Only Ohaneze does (Ebeano Assembly). He told the head of the judges “But you too, why didn’t you declare all your cowries nau? How can you forget foreign cowries?”
That was all that Ezemmuo said o. The yoot from both families now decided that Ezemmuo was the common enemy. The most polite name they called him that day was“fencist.” But Ezemmuo was seeing wrongs on all sides, after all you can’t cover advanced pregnancy with the hands.
Anyway, Igwe “Carry Around” was declared the winner. Many people from “We have died”’s family suddenly discovered that their data had finished. Many people were in sifia painz. They promised to henceforth be tweeting only about world peace and football, no more politics.
The supporters of Igwe “Carry Around” celebrated, but ndi Ebeano made it clear that they were not very happy with him. Ebeano had become the capital of poverty. There’s was no longer any fear of the poor one day eating the rich. The poor were now eating the poor.
Then the family of Chief “We have died” got a new lease of life when the Chief said he will contest the election. They started trending #AtikuIsComing. Ezemmuo is thinking “I hope he lets his wives come first, like every gentleman o.” Ebeano kwenu! RT let me know you are here.
Meanwhile, ndi efulefu yoot (the lost ones) kept trying to bully Ezemmuo. Only a foolish child will be slapping a tipper full of sand thinking the tipper will get hurt. Mba nu (No nau)! No matter how much it gnaws at it, there is nothing a rat can do to a bag of rice. Okwa ya?
Ezemmuo that has been busy Baby Boying upandhan: from South Africa, to Kenya, to Morocco, to obodo oyibo, and even to Amelika. That market is not moving cannot stop us from trading nau. Ezemmuo told Igwe “Carry Around”: “Congratulations o, but you need to do better this time.”
Ndi umu efulefu now reverted to their usual song of “He’s looking for appointment.” Then appointment came from the incoming Lolo of Imo River. It was now the turn of the supporters of Igwe “Carry Around” to say: “We knew it! He supports the family of Chief “We have died.”
Anyway, their confusion is just starting. Meanwhile, ndi uwe ojii ( the people that were black cloth) have been harassing young Ebeano maidens calling them Ashawo. They didn’t arrest the men that were allegedly patronizing them o. Ezemmuo places a curse on all those involved.
Some were said to be using pure water sachets to have their wicked ways with the poor maidens. Let me tell them something: Ezemmuo says “It is that same canal from whence you came into the world that you will pass to return to your ancestors!” We won’t even send you to Nkalagu.
Let us not close today’s meeting without talking about the killings in many parts of Ebeano. Igwe must know that the gods are not happy. In one northern kindred called Zamfara where their Lolo’s name means “Tear Head” in the language of the western kindred, killings are rampant.
You know the Lolo I mean nau. The one that said Mekwe Makes Meningitis (MMM). Ezemmuo has seen a vision that the killings are all about gold. The villagers are sitting on gold deposits. People will come and kill them to scare them from their land, so that they can grab the gold.
Igwe must do something about this. He must also tackle the killings in the middle of Ebeano. People are being kidnapped left right and center. Police are harassing Ebeano yoot. Insecurity everywhere. Igwe must not be seen to be in office but not in power. It is too much nau!
Ndi Ebeano, your Ezemmuo must now return to the bush from whence he came. Let me thank @wumifab for knitting me this lovely hat. Until we meet again at the market skwiya, Ezemmuo says “Receeeeeive my blessings, ndi Ebeano! “E go be!” Peace.