EBEANO CHRONICLES PART 2

Now, Dr Aristo is reminded that there was already a conference of Ebeano people proposing how Ebeano could be restructured to be better. Ebeano people believe that implementing the report of that Ebeano conference will turn Ebeano(where we are) to Ebeaneje (where we are going).

Dr Aristo is to recommend the report to his boss, Igwe Ebeano. Aristo is actually a native doctor, so let’s address him properly N.Dr Aristo.

Igwe Ebeano is not a fan of that report because the Igwe before him that did it spent a lot of money doing it while other things suffered.

N.Dr Aristo says “Igwe, at least look at the content na. Or do your own conference. We can’t continue like this and get to Ebeaneje.”

Now, remember that Igwe Ebeano has 36 Lolos (queens). Of these, only 2 or 3 Lolos are involved in trading.

Only these 2 or 3 can afford to feed their children, without relying entirely on Igwe Ebeano. People wonder what the other Lolos are doing. The farm that feeds Ebeano is located in the extreme south of the kingdom. Because the farm is in their kindred, they get extra indomie.
But the Lolos eat all the Indomie & their children are even poorer than the other kids. By the way, 1 former Lolo just returned yesterday.

Now, the process of farming has destroyed the environment of south Ebeano. Rivers are polluted. Fish are dead. Air quality bad. Cancer high.

Despite the extra Indomie they get, the southern Lolos even borrow more wrappers than the other Lolos but still look like “mgbeke” (ugly).

The children of the southern Lolos are angry, but their anger is directed at Igwe Ebeano, not at the Lolos. They start attacking the farms.
Ebeano that was already poor, now has even less food to eat. Igwe Ebeano does a deal with the agitators and “settles” their leaders.
The agitators “hammer”, move out of the farm area and acquire “Hummer” bicycles and expansive huts and in the capital of Ebeano.
Goals! They are so successful that if you ask South Ebeano kids what they want to be when they grow up, they answer in unison: “Agitator!”
Now, the South Ebeano “yoot” seeing how the elder agitators have hammered also want to lick their own palm oyel. They too start agitating.
Igwe Ebeano is now “confuse”. “Do I crush the “yoot” & end this nonsense once and for all? Or do I do another deal with the new agitators?
This rulership business no be abacha o. People like N.Dr Aristo but are dismissed as always chanting incantations to ndi mmuo (spirits).
Sorry. I mean that people like N.Dr Aristo can help but are often dismissed as always chanting incantations to ndi mmuo (spirits)
Meanwhile, Ohaneze is busy creating new age grades everyday. Instead of calling them to order, Ebeanoreans are busy vexing with Igwe Ebeano.
Igwe Ebeano submits the list of what he wants to spend this year to Ohaneze. Ohaneze refuses to bring its own list for Ebeanorians to see.

Ebeano “yoots” start an ” campaign but it’s only on paper. The only thing they’ve occupied is this oyinbo thing called tuwita.

Feyi nwa Fada has suggested that Igwe Ebeano should divorce his wives & should not smuggle any young nwa ada into the palace.

But Igwe Ebeano cannot divorce his Lolos without going to Ohaneze. Ohaneze is made up of the children of the Lolos. They won’t agree.

Now, we’ve said various things that should not be blamed on Igwe Ebeano. But let’s not forget he is the Igwe. He’s there to solve problems.

The problems are many though. Apart from the agitators in the south, the children of the eastern Lolos want their own kingdom.

The children in the north have had their homes destroyed by some “efulefu” (the lost ones) that have taken up arms against Ebeano.

There’s no peace in the middle of d kingdom either. Some goat herders have been killing people. Some say they’re from neighbouring kingdoms.

Everywhere he looks, Igwe Ebeano sees problems. His Igwe-in-Council (his cabinet) are either not advising him or don’t have the answers.

Then again, maybe Igwe Ebeano is not listening to their advice. “Who mentioned ear infection? Who was it? Bring that boy here!”

Ohaneze is after Igwe’s Scribe. Something about cutting grass. Not sure about the details. He says they’re talking from their ike (behinds).

Ohaneze seems to be holding him by his amu (scrotum), determined to squeeze. Igwe Ebeano imagines the pain & crosses his legs in sympathy.

In the meantime, the formerly boisterous Scribe has been lying low. He’s even now the first to greet everybody “good morning”! Ewo! Change!!

Ekwuru Oha (he who speaks on behalf of the community) has his own troubles too. Igwe Ebeano too has him by his amu (scrotum) & is squeezing.

Ndi Ebeano are encouraging both Igwe Ebeano and Ekwuru Oha to squeeze harder. They’ll be happy with both scrotums popping. Wicked children!

Now, one innocent boy from middle Ebeano is organising a protest. They say he shows the umu adas two faces. He sings like a nightingale.

Some are standing with him, some are trolling him for fathering 7 young Ebeanorians from 5 umu adas. Uwaa kwa (this world is) pawpaw o.

Innocent knows Ndi Ebeano well well. In one of his songs, he sang “Nobody wan kpai but dem wan go heaven.” Nwanne, uwaa kwa pawpaw mehn!

It is clear that a tsetse fly has landed on Igwe Ebeano’s amu (scrotum) and is merrily sucking. Leave it, he’ll get pain. Swat it, pain too.

N.Dr Aristo can’t take it anymore. He feels enough is enough. He says to Igwe: “Igwe, whether you want my advice or not, I will give it!”
“Igweeee! Igadi ooo (you will live long o). Go to Ndi Ebano. Show them your amu (scrotum) and the big tsetse fly on it sucking you dry.”
“Tell them you will swat it dead and take the pain once and for all, instead of allowing it to give you sleeping sickness in your old age.”
Problem is that Igwe Ebeano is a man of few words. He doesn’t like talking, especially when he’s in Ebeano. Ebeano wants him to talk more.
What will Igwe Ebeano do? Join us in Part 3. The End! To God be the glory! Distributed by Nna Bros & Sons, 10 Ebinkpejo Lane, Idumota, Lagos
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Categories: Ebeano Chronicles and Satire.
Tags: Ebeano Chronicles and Satire.

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