Ebeano Chronicles – Part 5


Mazi Ade , you came to our nzuko too? Nnooo. How is your leg? Hope it’s healing. You see, Mazi Ade took a young new wife.

You see, the young new wife is a gymnast. Whenever she and Mazi Ade are doing what men and women do at night, he has no problem “arriving.”

But before she can “arrive”, she must summersault first. Once she summersaults…grrrrrrrrr…she’ll arrive immediately. End of discussion!

One day, after Mazi Ade finished, she did her somersault so that she could arrive. Mazi Ade didn’t remove his leg from their mat on time.

CRACK!!! Mazi Ade’s leg broke. Ezemmuo has been setting the bone since. Mazi ndo inugo? (Sorry, you hear?). En hen! On to our scribe biko.

Remember that Ohaneze has been squeezing Scribe’s amu (testicles). He seemed to have found a way to manage the pain by distracting himself.

Remember that Ohaneze has been squeezing Scribe’s amu (testicles). He seemed to have found a way to manage the pain by distracting himself.

In fact, Ohaneze was wondering whether Igwe has given him powerful protection using some of the private charms that only an Igwe has.

Then, bang! Igwe temporarily banished Scribe from the palace and ordered him to go to his hut and come and explain why Ohaneze is squeezing.

Then, bang! Igwe temporarily banished Scribe from the palace and ordered him to go to his hut and come and explain why Ohaneze is squeezing.

Then, bang! Igwe temporarily banished Scribe from the palace and ordered him to go to his hut and come and explain why Ohaneze is squeezing.

Now, Scribe was banished on the same day as the head of the foreign spies. Large amounts of orphan cowries have been turning up in Ebeano.

Both foreign and local cowries o. Each time Igwe asks “Who is the father of these cowries?” Nobody will answer. Just negodu! Another orphan!

Then somebody blew one loud opu (whistle) & Mazi Magun went to one tall hut and found what western Ebeanoreans call “unkantable” cowries.

Chief spy first said he wasn’t the father. Then he remembered Anduru Jekobu and decided to go and claim it with his “shest.” Ewoooo!

Like Anduru Jekobu, Chief spy said the cowries were a gift. But, this time, from the former Igwe who asked him to use it for special spying.

Igwe said “No problem. Go and bring proof.” Ebeano doesn’t know whether the yams came from the Gorvanaw of the Central Barn o.


You see, what is reigning in Ebeano is blowing whistles. Kidnapping has gone down because money ritual is no longer it. No need 4 body parts


Even school children don’t want to be militants or “honourables” or “distinguisheds” anymore when they grow up.


Ebeano Kwenu! Ebeano Kwenu!! Is Ebeano sleeping? Is it only spirits in this market skwiya? If the living are here too, let me see 10 RTs.

27 RTs kita kita (now now)? Ebeano no kwa (is) here o. Odikwa serious (You know than 1 na. Abi Ezemmuo should budget for spoon to feed you?)

Remember Feyi nwa Fada, Igwe’s patriotic but militant son? Well he dared to challenge N.Dr Aristo himself to a duel. Ezemmuo himself o.

Ezemmuo that even his wife calls “himself” when she’s talking about him. Like “N.Dr Aristo HIMSELF.” Ezemmuo HIMSELF.” It’s him himself o.

FF fired back that none of Ezemmuo’s otumokpo will work and bet 500,000 Ebeano cowries.


Then testimonies started to roll in. Ezemmuo started to prepare to testi money.


As more testimonies rolled in, Ezemmuo prepared to testi money from Feyi nwa Fada.


The testimonies had not even been too plenty when, as a true son of Ebeano, FF wan begin to change mouth.


But quickly, as a true royal son that he is, FF decided to honour his bet with Ezemmuo. The Pasipotu juju is still cooking but we thank him.


Ndi Ebeano, make una FV to hail Ezemmuo with his traditional title “Nwokorobia Agu”! “The gentle lion that kills two at a time.” FV now!

Thank you Ndi Ebeano. If you are titled man, come and give Ezemmuo three backhanded greetings. Only titled men o. Ndi ozo.

If you are a woman, Ezemmuo will RELUCTANTLY allow you to give him a full frontal hug. All non-titled men should look away now.
Chei! The gods worked overtime on the bodies of umuadas o. Let me go & pour cold water below za waist, b4 Ezemmuo raffia skirt changes shape
Meantime, Ezemmuo noticed that all the umuadas called Charity pressed their bodies to him more tightly. Choi! Umuada & ego (money)! Odiegwu!
Meanwhile, the Lolo of Zamfara kindred in the northern part of Ebeano says he received a revelation that Mekwe Makes Meningitis (MMM).
Typical of them, Ndi Ebeano descended on him. They said he was talking out of his ike (behind).


Meanwhile, Ohaneze has been busy creating more & more age grade associations. They even created one recently to dash money to other kingdoms.

has informed Ezemmuo that our own too has passed 1st reading. It’s called NAMES (National Agency for the Management of Evil Spirits)

Join us again for continuation of . This edition is distributed by Burantashi & Co. 5, Lolo Yari Road, Kano. Aristo out!

 

 

 

by | No Comments
Categories: Ebeano Chronicles and Satire.
Tags: Ebeano Chronicles and Satire.

Leave a Reply

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of