EBEANO CHRONICLES – PART 3

Sorry o. I’ve been told that Nna Bros is Pee Elu Si (PLC) and that their address is Ebinpejo (“the people are hungry”) Lane, Idumota Lagos.
Ngwanu. Let’s go. Before we start, let us poor libation to the gods. Our son has provided Seamans Aromatic Schnapps and kolanut.
From this schnapps, may we drink long life and good health. From this kolanut, may we eat and get peace and togetherness in Ebeano. We must give our ancestors schnapps to drink. But only a little o. The living are more thirsty than the dead. Fave to agree and let’s start.
Ok. A lot has happened in Ebeano since our last nzuko (meeting). Igwe Ebeano has written to Ohaneze that he’s goong to obodo oyibo to rest.
Igwe Ebeano informed Ohaneze that for 10 market days, Oparaeze, the Crown Prince will oversee the affairs of Ebeano while he’s resting.
At the end of the 10 market days, fertile maidens gathered at the market square to welcome Igwe Ebeano. But wait o! He’s not coming today?

When Igwe Ebeano now wrote Ohaneze that he was staying behind to consult some powerful dibias, ndi asiri(rumour mongers) went into overdrive
As Igwe Ebeano was resting, powerful kingmakers started to troop to obodo oyibo to see him. Even Lolos that were owing salaries joined.
They all took plenty fotos. But they were not there to famz Igwe o. Some were checking on their investment. Others were setting 2019 clock.
Is Ebeano in this skwiya at all? Ebeano kwenu! Ebeano kwenu!! Ebeano kwezuonu o!!! RT to say “Iyaaaaa.”
En hen! Na now una come na. Anyway, Ekwuru Oha (he who speaks on behalf of the community) too went to obodo oyibo to see things for himself.
But before sojourning to obodo oyibo, Ekwuru Oha appointed a powerful new Chief of Staff, N.Dr Akimu Papa Amadi, formerly a staunch Igweist.

Meanwhile, Oparaeze (the Crown Prince) is running tinz and running them well, while in constant touch with Igwe Ebeano.

 

Ebeano nokwa (is present) here o. Nwanne. Ok. Remember one Innocenti that shows umuadas 2 faces? Na dia we dey go next.

Before we go to Innocenti of the 2 faces, where is that kola not na. Chei! Is that all that remains? Who is that woman that ate kolanut?

No wonder! It is that yellow nwa ada. I don’t mind that she takes snuff but they say she even eats gizzard! Tufiakwa (the gods forbid)!

Anyway, Innocenti with the 2 faces is vexing. Any Ebeanorian will understand that to VEX is more intense than ordinary oyibo anger.
To “vex” in Ebeanorian language is to drink deeply from the gushing river of our common frustrations. Innocenti of the 2 faces was vexing!
2 faces organised a protest saying “enough is enough”! He says the hardship in Ebeano is too much. He wants light in his lantern and food to eat
But one orubebe Lolo from the South West announced he will join the protest being organised by 2 faces. 2 faces is now worried about hijack.
On top of that, people are telling 2 faces that the courtuma will shoot and kill Ebeanorians and asked him: “Can your head carry the blame?”
So, 2 market days before the protest, 2 faces withdraws. Ndi asiri said “Look at the bags under his eyes. He has be tortured!” Asi (lies)!
2 faces’ noble intentions now became a source of attack from people on tuwita that cover their own faces with masks and shout from the dark.
Even people whose wives routinely urinate in their mouths took turn to drag him. Uwaa wu pawpaw mehn yaw! (There’s no English translation.)
Anyway, the protest went ahead. Courtuma did not shoot anybody. Even Oparaeze, the Crown Prince, came out to say “We hear you loud & clear.”
As Ebeano was settling back into the normal routine of shuffering & shmiling, news broke about a former head of Ebeano National Farming Corp


Chei! This Anduru Jekobu is wukedi o. And we must tell him he is wukedi. In the middle of crushing poverty in that part of Ebeano kwa. Chei!

You see, we must tell Anduru he is ugly. Ndichie say if you don’t tell a man he’s ugly, when he reincarnates, he will come back ugly again!

Where is that fresh palmwine that brought for us? N.Dr Aristo is thirsty o. Fave for him to bring out his drinking horn abegi!

Chei! Some people are greedy eh! They are like the penis that keep digging for treasure, only to vomit the akam that was already in him!

Meanwhile, a group loyal to the former Igwe opposes Igwe Ebeano’s rule. But they have one fishbone called AMS stuck in their throat.

To spit him out, mba! To swallow him kwanu, no way! His people allege he is sponsored by Igwe Ebeano but nobody knows. Story for another day

Ewooo! Is that the moon I see? We’ve been telling this akuko for 3 hours solid. Join us for Part 4. The end! To God be the glory.

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Categories: Ebeano Chronicles and Satire.
Tags: Ebeano Chronicles and Satire.

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