Cha! Cha!! Cha!!! Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu!! Kwezuonu ooo!! #EbeanoChronicles for #NSF2017 is live!
For new attendees to our village skwiya, you are welcome to #EbeanoChronicles, perhaps the longest-running thread on Twitter. Ekene mu unu nine (I greet you all.)
Since our last nzuko (meeting), a lot has happened in Ebeano. Ezemmuo Ebeano has left the Igwe’s palace and retreated into the bush to hunt for bushmeat to feed his family that had virtually starved for 4 years. He only decided to come out for #NSF2017.
Igwe Ebeano has since returned from obodo oyibo where he has been attended to by powerful dibias. He now appears strong enough to go take titles in ani Igbo (Igbo land). He went and came back safely o, despite empty threats by those that say they want to leave Ebeano for Biafra.
After he came back, the First Lolo has emerged from za oza room to complain about the hospital at Igwe’s palace. She says they don’t even have syringes and the oyibo juju with which you can see the bones inside a person’s body.
Is Ebeano in this markate skwiya at all? Let me see 15 retweets to let me know that Ezemmuo is not talking only to spirits and imps.
Enh? 31 retweets already? Unu abiago? Have you people come? Ngwanu (oya nau) let’s continue. There is one civil servant. Although he’s only a Deputy Director, he’s a main man. In fact, his name is Main A. Since Ezemmuo has been in the bush, he’s been hearing things about Main A.
You see, this is what Ezemmuo was told. Some wicked people had been eating the yams kept for old retired people. They had been sleeping on Ghana-must-go bags waiting for their benefits in the office of the Head of the civil servants who had been controlling the yams.
The Igwe at the time formed a committee headed by Mr Main A to look into it. Very quickly, Mr Main A discovered that the people in charge of the yams are the ones eating the yams of the retirees. He confronted the main keeper of the yams and put the evidence in front of them.
Mr Main A first used the information to control his Oga. His Oga would even leave meetings with Igwe’s Ministers to answer Mr Main A’s calls whenever he calls. Mr Main A then started calling his Oga just for fun. Chai! Ajonwa! (Bad child!)
After a while, Mr Main A thought: “No be person born me too?” “I no go pay school fees?” Abegi! He then started asking for a cut. From his large cut, he started living large. He was buying houses in the capital of Ebeano and in many other places.
Before long, Ohaneze heard that Mr Main A and his ogas were chopping sugarcane. They wanted their own part of it. They invited Mr Main A and his ogas. Main A said “Well Oga, water don pass garri o. Me I’ll talk to save my skin o, since you people have refused me a bigger slice.”
Before long, Mr Main A was shot at, twice! He ran away from Ebeano and kept his head down until the Igwe that appointed him left. Before he left, the Igwe made sure that he was dismissed from the service for absconding from duty. Mr Main A didn’t worry about it. He waited.
When a new Igwe ascended the throne, Mr Main A put his formidable charms to use. He got a court order that said that his warrant of arrest by Ohaneze was illegal. Armed with this, he got his people to approach the people of Okaiwu (Lawyer) General to overturn his sacking.
Okaiwu General wrote FOUR letters asking for the court order to be obeyed. Ebeano is not wondering why Okaiwu General was so interested in obeying this PARTICULAR court order when there are many others that he was clearly not as keen to ensure the obedience of.
Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu!! Kwezuonu!!! Let me see 20 retweets to let Ezemmuo know that he heard Ebeano’s question to Okaiwu General very well.
23 retweets in 6 minutes? Odikwa serious o. Ebeano nokwa (is) here o nwanne ( my brother/sister). Anyway, before Ebeano knew what was going on, Mr Main A was back in Ebeano, complete with security protection. Chai! Uwa wu pawpaw menh yaw!
Mr Main A announced his resumption date as “Acting Director”, since the Department he was resuming to didn’t have a Director. He even offered some people appointments to come and see him in his big office. At the same time, he printed posters to be gorvanaw in his home state.
Ebeano collectively shouted “Mbanu (No nau), hei!” Some powerful king makers now caked Igwe Ebeano and said “Igwe, when a snake fails to show its venom, children will use it to tie firewood” ( courtesy of the great people at @IgboProverbs_).
They reminded Igwe about his Anticorruption stance and that you can tell how smelly feaces would be by how smelly the fart is. Ebeano said “Igwe, how far na?” Osiso osiso (quick quick) Igwe ordered Mr Main A’s sacking. Ndi okacha malu ( too-know people) on Tuwita started.
To show that he was listening to Ebeano, Igwe Ebeano quickly finished reading the report on grass cutting and orphan cowries in Ikoyi that he had been reading at the rate of one page per month. The snake finally showed its venom. The grass cutter and the chief spy were cut down.
Igwe appointed a new scribe whose name is oga. Quick quick, Ebeano people stopped naming their children names like Miracle and Favour @Rouvafe and started naming them “Boss.” They started asking “Who Favour epp? Favour na SGF? Si eba puo osiso! (Get out of here right now!)
Coming out of the bush into Ebeano again, Ezemmuo’s heart is heavy. He suspects that the powerful dibias across the sea that treated Igwe Ebeano secretly planted a secret charm on him that makes Ebeano self harm. Ezemmuo must now return to the forest to polish his charms further.
Meanwhile, Ezemmuo has heard that the Igwe of Zimbabwe is in the process of being deposed. The army is in negotiations with him. They said “Igwe Zimbabwe, we here that the Lolo of Imo in Nigeria is erecting statues. You can go to Imo and stand there pretending to be a statute.”
Igwe Zimbabwe said “Mba nu ( No nau). Let Lolo Imo do a statute of my Lolo Grace, after all, he’s done one for Zuma (continue stealing, in Igbo.) he didn’t do one for nnanyi (our father) Zik or even Sam Mbakwe from the same Imo kindred.)” Odiegwu (na wa o).
Umu nwannem, okwu Ebeano na fu Ezemmuo ufu na obi. (The matters of Ebeano are causing Ezemmuo heartache.) Ezemmuo must now return to the bush. Till we meet again ka odi (E go be). May the gods bless the organisers of #NSF2017. Ezemmuo Ebeano out! Udo (Peace)!