Cha! Cha!! Cha!!! Ebeano Kwenu! Ebeano Kwenu!! Ebeano Kwezuonu oooo!!! Onye ga agba egwu? (Who will dance?) #EbeanoChronicles is live!
Ndi Ebeano, nno nu o (People of Ebeano, you are all welcome). It’s been a long long time since our last nzuko (meeting) in this skwiya.
Igwe Ebeano has been away for 3 moons but is now back. We must tell Igwe all that has happened in his absence first. 10 RTs to call others!
Choi! Ndi Ebeano di too sharp!! 10 RTs in less than a minute!!! Ok. Let’s go and see Igwe Ebeano.
Igweeee! Igwe, I ga di o (Igwe, you will live long). Ezemmuo wants to report that your son, Crown Prince Oparaeze is a true son of Ebeano.
In the 3 moons that you have sojourned to obodo oyibo to consult powerful dibias, Oparaeze has done you proud. He’s held the fort admirably.
Oparaeze has done both your job and his own, without an apprentice, like you have in him. His head has more grey hairs than when you left.
Your Lolo, the one in the western kindred where they eat pounded yam without soup, threatened to release pictures of you on life support.
This particular Lolo has insulted your predecessors in the past and went to prostrate later. He now says he wants your throne. Odi egwu!!
Igwe, your return is timely o. Oparaeze had to go to the coronation of Igwe Rwanda. In his absence, Ekwuro Oha would have been in charge.
But Ekwuru Oha (he who speaks on behalf of the community) did not get a chance because Oparaeze came back almost immediately.
The gods had revealed to Ezemmuo that you will be back yesterday. A man doesn’t stay far from where his corn is roasting. You didn’t! Nno.
Igwe, while you were gone, some people started saying “Our mumu don do.” Instead of leaving them to vent, your courtma tear gassed them.
But the same courtma (police) protected those that were saying “We, we no be mumu.” Igwe, your Ezemmuo spoke truth to power, as usual.
Then the leaders of “Our mumu don do” took their protest to the markate. As Beyoncé has beehives, Igwe Bubu too has beehives. They attacked.
Igwe, tell your beehives not to be beating people o, abeg. If anything had happened to Charlie, onye isi (head of) ndi okada, yawa for dey o
Igwe, while you were away, kwarrapshan changed levels o. Before you left, we had orphan cowries that nobody initially came forward to claim.
Now, we are having massive huts in Banana Island that nobody is claiming. The town crier went round o. Everybody sang Shaggy “it wasn’t me.”
Meanwhile, your son MC Stats @sgyemikale released details of what Ndi Ebeano perceived to be the level and nature of kwarrapshan in Ebeano.
I know it doesn’t come to you as a surprise that your courtma (police) won. The person you put in charge of their Complaints reacted badly.
Instead of blaming the anus that did the farting, he started “konking” the head of your MC Stats and rubbishing the work of his team.
Igwe, you recall that, BY LAW, your MC Stats and his team are the ONLY ones allowed to release credible official statistics about Nigeria.
Igwe, somebody you recruited to protect the law, and whom you gave a gun to do it with, if necessary, is rubbishing the law of the land o.
Igwe, that particular courtma has also been subbing Ezemmuo, but he had ignored him since a lion doesn’t turn around when a small dog barks.
Igwe, please tell MC Stats that a courtma on Tuwita is still a courtma. It doesn’t matter how much you wash a goat, it will still smell.
This markate skwiya is rather silent o. Am I talking only to ghosts or are humans here too. Let me see 20 Faves to know I’m not alone here.
Igwe, the courtma seems to be begging you with his name o. In the language of the western kindred, his name can literally mean “remove me”!
Igwe, while you were away, your courtma caught a notorious suspected kidnapper called Evans. This was very good commendable work.
The problem, Igwe, is that your courtma then proceeded to shamelessly start famzing with him, even taking selfies. Odi kwa serious o, Igwe.
Igwe, ndi Enjaysee that settle quarrels and punish crime also reacted strangely to what Ndi Ebeano are saying about level of kwarrapshan.
Their own was that “we chop a little bribe, but not as much as MC Stats said.” My lords, it wasn’t MC Stats that said. It was Ndi Ebeano.
Igwe, while you were away, alu mekwaa (an abomination happened). Some devils went to a church in Ozobulu and killed worshippers inside.
They say it has to something to do with ogwu ojoo (bad merecine or hard drugs). They say some bishops have been dining with the devil.
Ndi efulefu (the lost ones) Boko Haram have also stood up from where you told them to “stoop down” and are killing people again.
Igwe, while you were gone, ndi PeeDeePee have managed to remove the fish bone that was stuck in their throat. The convened successfully.
One of their Lolos even had the maturity to come and welcome you yesterday. This is true African spirit, which must be commended.
In Africa, when a man returns from the dead, the whole community celebrates, both friends and enemies. Respect to Lolo of the many rivers.
Igwe, as you know, your Ezemmuo has been in the palace for 4 years now. He must now return to the bush from whence he came.
While he’s in the bush strengthening his charms and recharging his batteries, he remains committed to the progress of Ebeano.
Ezemmuo thanks Igwe GEJ who gave him an opportunity to serve based on his reputation only. Ezemmuo respects his contributions to Ebeano.
Ezemmuo also thanks Igwe PMB for trusting Ezemmuo’s integrity and giving him a free hand to intervene wherever Ndi Ebeano wanted him to.
Ezemmuo has many imperfections. He has wronged many people in his time in the palace, but it was always in the zeal to do his job for Ebeano
Even with the spirit in him, Ezemmuo is only human. He laughs, he cries, he gets happy, he gets sad. He gets subs and subs back.
His words often go from the sublime to the ridiculous. That’s what makes him the Ezemmuo he is. No apologies for being the Ezemmuo he is.
However, sincere apologies to everyone he has offended, including today. Having disagreed, we must now unite Ebeano and move it forward.
Until we meet again to work together on any other platform for the progress of Ebeano, Ezemmuo Ebeano says “E go be.”
