Satire &#8211; JOE ABAH

Cha, cha, cha! Ebeano kwenu! Cha, cha, cha! Ebeano kwenu! Cha, cha, cha! Ebeano kwenuzuonu oooo! Ezemmuo is here in the flesh. Welcome back to perhaps the longest-running thread on Tuwita. Ndi Ebeano ha nokwa here (are the people of Ebeano here)? Retweet to call others o.

Chei! Ndi Ebeano. It’s been long o. A lot has happened since our last gathering at the village skwiya. As the time was approaching to either select a new Igwe or ask the present Igwe to continue, Ezemmuo decided to retreat deep into the forest to avoid contamination.

However, he still came out occasionally whenever Ebeano was threatened with sacrilege. After all, it is our ancestors that say that you must scratch a mosquito bite, if for nothing else, to show that you care about your body. Ezemmuo fears no mosquito though. His blood is bitter.

Before we start, let me thank the attendants at Ezemmuo’s shrine, umummuo (children of the spirits):@EzeasorIje @ziniex @Ehix07 @ijeoma_miriam @adukegeorge & nwannem oma @julietkego, my guys @Omojuwa @zeal_a and many others allowed to slap Ezemmuo occasionally to keep him real.

Let me also thank all those that brought palmwine and kola to this gathering: @oluwa_skeep @kenemodeye @buzuzu7 @omokhojieId and @IamKingsleyOgar. Special thanks to @BashEya for sweeping the market skwiya this afternoon. You will always know a well-brought-up son of Ebeano. Daalu

While Ezemmuo was in the bush, he did not realize that his dear sister @yodifiji had lost her dad. Ndo nwannem (Sorry, my sister). Please forgive me. You can’t throw away your brother, especially when he’s an Ezemmuo now. Who will make merecin for you? May his soul Rest In Peace.

As others were bringing palm wine and kola for the gods, one yeye guy @zed_skills was asking Ezemmuo to turn water into wine and feed the multitude. Agwaram gi na mbu Jesu (Did I tell you that I am Jesus)? Biko let’s start our meeting jare. Ebeano kwenu! Let me see 20 RTs first.

The one who slaps Ezemmuo the hardest and asks him “Excuse me. What are you doing?” whenever he is about to misbehave is looking at him with corner eye right now. Ezemmuo doesn’t ever say her name but others call her @toyosilagos. Ok, so the time came to contest the Igwe-ship.

There were two families jostling to ascend the Igwe throne for the next four years. One family decided that the present Igwe will continue to represent them. There were no contestants. The other family had a lot of contestants. Then there were others that people called 3rd Force.

The family with a lot of contestants went to their family meeting in “Poracourt.” One contestant that wears a red cap had gathered a lot of people and filled several market skwiyas. His followers were all over Poracourt with their red caps. Chai! See a sea of red caps o.

Then the big boy whose name means “We have died” in the language of the western kindred came out & shared foreign cowries. Quick quick, everybody “offed” their red caps and wore their shirts that had the face of the red cap chief inside out. “If you no get money, hide your face!”

Chief “We have died” emerged the candidate. He went to bed the former Igwe, his Oga before the war. You know na. The one that writes letters. Quick quick the former Igwe dispatched a letter to the current Igwe. No Igwe has ever survived this former Igwe’s letter. Odikwa serious.

Haa! Did I say he went to bed him? Mba o. I meant to say he went to BEG him. My hand no dey o. Meanwhile, the current Igwe kept blaming the former Igwe even right up to election. Ndi Ebeano said: But we elected you so that you can buhari (turn around) Ebeano nau. Face front!”

Then ndi Ebeano said all the candidates must come for debate but they refused to face each other. In their own debate, the okpara eze (crown prince) was saying “why we are where we are.” You think it’s easy to say, okwa ya? Ngwu nu, say it quickly if you think you can do better.

The one that wanted to be the new crown prince was saying “When China returned to China. China went to China. China…China.” Then later, “India returned to China.” Anyway ndi felt that the aspiring Igwe “We have died” did better than the current Igwe “Turn around.”

Meanwhile, one Lolo in the northern kindred was caught on camera stuffing foreign cowries into his babariga. They even told him to jump up to collect it and he did! Na film trick? Igwe “Turn Around” said he didn’t know the technology they used. Even me, a whole Ezemmuo “confuse”.

That same Gancowrie Lolo now wants to depose the family head in his kindred. They say it’s because the family head called for free and fair elections. That family headship has been revered for more than 200 years o. Lolo Gancowrie is determined he must reduce his power though.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the election of a new Igwe. Ebeano yoot sharply aligned themselves behind the two old men contesting. They mercilessly abused all the 3rd Force people and anybody younger than 70 years. There is nobody that Ebeano yoot hate more than Ebeano yoot.

As elections approached, “We have died” had already won on Tuwita. It would be a walk over. Ezemmuo soon realised that many on Tuwita didn’t even have voters cards. Many people came out from behind their anonymous handles. Oh ooh. Very ugly people. That’s why they were anonymous.

The people in one western kindred now decided that when a god becomes too powerful, they will tell it from which tree it was carved. They said “Otoo ge!” It haf do! They kicked him out. A whole head of the Ebeano Assembly from the imperial family there o. Chai! Wahala dey o.

Before then, Igwe “Carry Around” (why have I been calling him “Turn Around” when he hasn’t turned Ebeano around?) decided to remove Onyeishi ndi ikpe (the head of the judges) for hiding some cowries under his mat. Is there palmie in this skwiya at all? Where’s my drinking horn?

Anyway, Ezemmuo decided to come out of the bush. He told Igwe “mba” (No)! You don’t have the power to remove him. Only Ohaneze does (Ebeano Assembly). He told the head of the judges “But you too, why didn’t you declare all your cowries nau? How can you forget foreign cowries?”

That was all that Ezemmuo said o. The yoot from both families now decided that Ezemmuo was the common enemy. The most polite name they called him that day was“fencist.” But Ezemmuo was seeing wrongs on all sides, after all you can’t cover advanced pregnancy with the hands.

Anyway, Igwe “Carry Around” was declared the winner. Many people from “We have died”’s family suddenly discovered that their data had finished. Many people were in sifia painz. They promised to henceforth be tweeting only about world peace and football, no more politics.

The supporters of Igwe “Carry Around” celebrated, but ndi Ebeano made it clear that they were not very happy with him. Ebeano had become the capital of poverty. There’s was no longer any fear of the poor one day eating the rich. The poor were now eating the poor.

Then the family of Chief “We have died” got a new lease of life when the Chief said he will contest the election. They started trending #AtikuIsComing. Ezemmuo is thinking “I hope he lets his wives come first, like every gentleman o.” Ebeano kwenu! RT let me know you are here.

Meanwhile, ndi efulefu yoot (the lost ones) kept trying to bully Ezemmuo. Only a foolish child will be slapping a tipper full of sand thinking the tipper will get hurt. Mba nu (No nau)! No matter how much it gnaws at it, there is nothing a rat can do to a bag of rice. Okwa ya?

Ezemmuo that has been busy Baby Boying upandhan: from South Africa, to Kenya, to Morocco, to obodo oyibo, and even to Amelika. That market is not moving cannot stop us from trading nau. Ezemmuo told Igwe “Carry Around”: “Congratulations o, but you need to do better this time.”

Ndi umu efulefu now reverted to their usual song of “He’s looking for appointment.” Then appointment came from the incoming Lolo of Imo River. It was now the turn of the supporters of Igwe “Carry Around” to say: “We knew it! He supports the family of Chief “We have died.”

Anyway, their confusion is just starting. Meanwhile, ndi uwe ojii ( the people that were black cloth) have been harassing young Ebeano maidens calling them Ashawo. They didn’t arrest the men that were allegedly patronizing them o. Ezemmuo places a curse on all those involved.

Some were said to be using pure water sachets to have their wicked ways with the poor maidens. Let me tell them something: Ezemmuo says “It is that same canal from whence you came into the world that you will pass to return to your ancestors!” We won’t even send you to Nkalagu.

Let us not close today’s meeting without talking about the killings in many parts of Ebeano. Igwe must know that the gods are not happy. In one northern kindred called Zamfara where their Lolo’s name means “Tear Head” in the language of the western kindred, killings are rampant.

You know the Lolo I mean nau. The one that said Mekwe Makes Meningitis (MMM). Ezemmuo has seen a vision that the killings are all about gold. The villagers are sitting on gold deposits. People will come and kill them to scare them from their land, so that they can grab the gold.

Igwe must do something about this. He must also tackle the killings in the middle of Ebeano. People are being kidnapped left right and center. Police are harassing Ebeano yoot. Insecurity everywhere. Igwe must not be seen to be in office but not in power. It is too much nau!

Ndi Ebeano, your Ezemmuo must now return to the bush from whence he came. Let me thank @wumifab for knitting me this lovely hat. Until we meet again at the market skwiya, Ezemmuo says “Receeeeeive my blessings, ndi Ebeano! “E go be!” Peace.

Ebeano Chronicles – 8

admin — Sun, 04 Feb 2018 13:48:00 +0000

Cha! Cha!! Cha!!! Ebeano kwenu! Kwenu!! Kwezuo nuoooo! #EbenaoChronicles is now live! For new visitors to our markate skwiya, nno nu (you are all welcome.) Ezemmuo Ebeano welcomes you to what is perhaps the longest-running thread on Tuwita.

A lot has happened in Ebeano since our last nzuko (meeting). Where do we start? Before we start, can we have a minute’s silence to respect those that have dies of cancer today #WorldCancerDay2018. Also, for nna anyi Chief Alex Ekwueme who was buried recently. May they all RIP.

Thank you all. Now there’s a former Igwe that has a big farm in the western kindred, so he could rightly be called a Farmer. The current Igwe has a herd of cattle in the northern kindred, so he could be called…Wait! Is Ebeano here at all? Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu! Answer with 20 RTs

Hmmm? Who is calling Ezemmuo? 34 RTs kita kita (now now)? Ok. Let’s kontinuu. There have been clashes between farmers and herdsmen in Ebeano recently. A lot of killings and reprisal killings have been going on. Ezemmuo’s heart bleeds at this. Igwe has not done enough to curb it.

Ezemmuo has asked questions as to what the problem is, and been told that there are a number of issues. The Sahara desert is advancing at the rate of 600 meters a year. That is 6 kilometres every 10 years. Lake Chad is drying up. This is forcing more and more people southwards.

On the other hand, the population of Ebeano is growing at the rate of 3% per annum. This means that the supply of available land is shrinking daily as Ebeano grows. People say there are grazing routes for herdsmen dating back to Colonial times that have still not been gazetted.

On the other hand, the Land Use Act that the former Igwe, the Farmer, enacted when he was a Soja Head of State of Ebeano vests all land in the states in the Lolos (gorvanaws). The southern Lolos need to develop their states. There is no land to give to grazing routes. Conflict!

The ever-present issues of ethnicity have stoked what is, in effect, a structural and developmental problem. Nearly 3 years since the current Igwe ascended the throne, the promises that he made before ascending the throne have not been kept with regards to Farmers/ Herders.

Ezemmuo has seen these with his ordinary eyes. But with his spiritual 3rd eye, he is seeing something entirely different. You see, Ezemmuo has made sacrifices to the gods and asked them to reveal to him what Ebeano’s problem really is. They showed him something much more sinister

Our broda, @Omojuwa, has also visited Ezemmuo’s shrine to make enquiries, as he thinks that Ebeano has been designed to frustrate the majority of Ndi Ebeano (Ebeano people). The gods took Ezemmuo back to the time just before the Sojas left and showed him a meeting that took place

At that meeting, the K-Leg Society was formed. The Society was a truly Ebeanorean society. No tribalism, no ethnicity, no religious differences, no Northern agenda, no Southern agenda, no Middle Belt agenda. Power was just a means to an end. The end that united members was Money.

Members of the K-Leg Society had fully worked out Ebeano. Members do no work. They do not seek power, but will occasionally give the impression that they do when their stream of money is threatened. They generally have permanent suites in the top hotels.

Whenever a new Igwe mounts the throne and wants to start forming anticorruption, they meet and decide what they should give him. Depending on the Igwe, it could be Niger Delta Militants, Boko Haram, IPOB or Herdsmen. Whatever happens, the Igwe will pay and they will chop.

Meanwhile, they will be giving the roots peanuts to be abusing each others’ fathers and forming NotTooYoungToRun. Because they control the structures and the delegates that nominate Igwes, Lolos and Ohanezes (assemblies) in each party, the yoot cannot even crawl, talk less of run

They got the former Igwe that took over from the Farmer Igwe to pay amnesty. They chopped. They deceived the Igwe before this current one to pay huge sums so that they could negotiate with Boko Haram. They chopped. They are now telling the current Igwe about compensation for cows

As Ezemmuo was seeing this vision, everything suddenly became blurry. Ezemmuo doesn’t know whether this thing he saw in a dream is real o. He had indulged rather heavily on some shekpe the night before. He now needs to make further sacrifices to the gods to reveal more to him.

Meanwhile, the Farmer Igwe has had a hand in the installation of all the Igwes that came after him, both as a Soja Igwe and a democratic one. Whenever he feels he is losing control over them, he writes them a letter. He has written one to the current Igwe. Na did we day go next.

Chai! Ezemmuo’s throat is dry o. Can any umuada bring Ezemmuo something to wet his throat? Oh, I see that @toyosilagos has brought some mmanya mmiri (palm wine). The gods bless you my daughter. I wanted to pray that you will only bear sons for us, but then who will they marry?

Ezemmuo rues the fact that Ebeano sons cannot even afford to bring 1 bottle of schnapps. They say that the country is hard. That they’ve just paid school fees & house rent and that Jenuwary has been two moons in one. Story! The gods don’t care. Ezemmuo is fining them 20 FVs.

The elders have intervened. They have pointed out that even Sinator Ajeku Iya has attested that things are hard in Ebeano. They have asked Ezemmuo to plead with the gods to manage 18 FVs like that and kontinuu with the letter that Farmer former Igwe wrote to the current one.

Ok then. The Farmer former Igwe has written complaining that the present Igwe is not ruling well. You see, each Igwe is allowed one Ofala (anniversary festival) after 4 years, after which he must descend from the throne. The current Igwe is preparing for his Ofala next year.

Igwe Farmer says the current Igwe should not present himself for his Ofala next year, and should step down. The current Igwe remembers that Igwe Farmer had attempted to rule for 12 years. Even the military Igwe that handed over to the Farmer asked Igwe Farmer “Kilode?” Igwe said:

Meanwhile, since the K-Legg Society decided on which K-leg to give to Igwe, Eee Efu See See has stopped discovering orphan cowries everywhere. No more Anduru Jekobu. No More Ikoyi cowries. They have attacked the home of the one whose name sounds like the Yoruba juju, magun.

Igwe is watching them closely, because our people say that when one’s fowl goes missing, the aroma of a neighbours soup suddenly becomes suspicious. However, Ndi Ebeano are faced with more immediate problems. They feel the herdsmen/ farmer issue must stop if Igwe wants an Ofala.

Ndi Ebeano have also not had foowel for nearly 3 moons now. Igwe had told them that once he increased the price of foowel, the annual scarcity will end. Igwe said he needed to remove the money that the K-Leg Society was chopping. Surprisingly, Ebeano agreed and did not protest.

Now, Igwe Letter Writer is an experienced Soja. He knows exactly when to launch an offensive that will cause maximum damage. Between farmer/ herder issues, foowel scarcity and unusually hot weather, plus many self-inflicted wounds, he could not have chosen a better time.

Many were expecting Igwe to counter attack, but Igwe just said “Enh, e don do. We don hear. Thank you!” Although Igwe presented his own scorecard, many still felt that Igwe Farmer’s accusations were valid. Igwe had no defence to the allegation that he only favours his own clan.

Igwe farmer has started pushing for a 3rd Force, but most members are from the 1st force when Igwe was on the throne. He had pushed for a 3rd term when he was Igwe and is also now on his 3rd wife. As it happens, the 3rd Force movement is now…well…three. Na waa.

Meanwhile, Ndi Ebeano have been complaining about SARS and have been asking that something be done to end brutality. The head of the people that wear black and carry batons announced that he was setting up a committee to “restructure” SARS instead. Since then, no further news.

It seems that the “setting up of the committee” was just a ploy to end ENDSARS. Ndi Ebeano in typical fashion seem to have have moved on to focus on getting foowel instead. Igwe’s party has also set up a committee to look into the clamouring for “Restructuring”. Same approach?

It is now clear to Ezemmuo that Ebeano has entered a one-chance vehicle without brakes. The vehicle doesn’t have a visible driver. Instead, it appears to be controlled by a remote control in the hands of the K-Leg Society. Ndi yoot Ebeano urgently need to form their own society.

That society should adopt the same approach that the K-Leg Society adopted. No ethnicity. No Religion. No Tribalism. No North. No South. No Middle Belt. No Politics. The only uniting factor for now should be the determination to grab the remote control from the K-Leg Society.

The gods have asked Ezemmuo to support that initiative, and to lend his awesome powers to ALL individuals and groups that aim for this same objective of rescuing Ebeano. Ezemmuo wants nothing for himself. He has enough power of his own and doesn’t want more. Money is beneath him.

Chei! Is that the time? Ezemmuo must now return to the forest. He understands that this edition of #EbeanoChronicles has been more serious than others in tone. But na condition make crayfish bend. Until we meet again, Ezemmuo Ebeano says “E go be.” Peace!

Ebeano Chronicles – 7

admin — Fri, 17 Nov 2017 13:43:00 +0000

Cha! Cha!! Cha!!! Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu!! Kwezuonu ooo!! #EbeanoChronicles for #NSF2017 is live!

For new attendees to our village skwiya, you are welcome to #EbeanoChronicles, perhaps the longest-running thread on Twitter. Ekene mu unu nine (I greet you all.)

Since our last nzuko (meeting), a lot has happened in Ebeano. Ezemmuo Ebeano has left the Igwe’s palace and retreated into the bush to hunt for bushmeat to feed his family that had virtually starved for 4 years. He only decided to come out for #NSF2017.

Igwe Ebeano has since returned from obodo oyibo where he has been attended to by powerful dibias. He now appears strong enough to go take titles in ani Igbo (Igbo land). He went and came back safely o, despite empty threats by those that say they want to leave Ebeano for Biafra.

After he came back, the First Lolo has emerged from za oza room to complain about the hospital at Igwe’s palace. She says they don’t even have syringes and the oyibo juju with which you can see the bones inside a person’s body.

Is Ebeano in this markate skwiya at all? Let me see 15 retweets to let me know that Ezemmuo is not talking only to spirits and imps.

Enh? 31 retweets already? Unu abiago? Have you people come? Ngwanu (oya nau) let’s continue. There is one civil servant. Although he’s only a Deputy Director, he’s a main man. In fact, his name is Main A. Since Ezemmuo has been in the bush, he’s been hearing things about Main A.

You see, this is what Ezemmuo was told. Some wicked people had been eating the yams kept for old retired people. They had been sleeping on Ghana-must-go bags waiting for their benefits in the office of the Head of the civil servants who had been controlling the yams.

The Igwe at the time formed a committee headed by Mr Main A to look into it. Very quickly, Mr Main A discovered that the people in charge of the yams are the ones eating the yams of the retirees. He confronted the main keeper of the yams and put the evidence in front of them.

Mr Main A first used the information to control his Oga. His Oga would even leave meetings with Igwe’s Ministers to answer Mr Main A’s calls whenever he calls. Mr Main A then started calling his Oga just for fun. Chai! Ajonwa! (Bad child!)

After a while, Mr Main A thought: “No be person born me too?” “I no go pay school fees?” Abegi! He then started asking for a cut. From his large cut, he started living large. He was buying houses in the capital of Ebeano and in many other places.

Before long, Ohaneze heard that Mr Main A and his ogas were chopping sugarcane. They wanted their own part of it. They invited Mr Main A and his ogas. Main A said “Well Oga, water don pass garri o. Me I’ll talk to save my skin o, since you people have refused me a bigger slice.”

Before long, Mr Main A was shot at, twice! He ran away from Ebeano and kept his head down until the Igwe that appointed him left. Before he left, the Igwe made sure that he was dismissed from the service for absconding from duty. Mr Main A didn’t worry about it. He waited.

When a new Igwe ascended the throne, Mr Main A put his formidable charms to use. He got a court order that said that his warrant of arrest by Ohaneze was illegal. Armed with this, he got his people to approach the people of Okaiwu (Lawyer) General to overturn his sacking.

Okaiwu General wrote FOUR letters asking for the court order to be obeyed. Ebeano is not wondering why Okaiwu General was so interested in obeying this PARTICULAR court order when there are many others that he was clearly not as keen to ensure the obedience of.

Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu!! Kwezuonu!!! Let me see 20 retweets to let Ezemmuo know that he heard Ebeano’s question to Okaiwu General very well.

23 retweets in 6 minutes? Odikwa serious o. Ebeano nokwa (is) here o nwanne ( my brother/sister). Anyway, before Ebeano knew what was going on, Mr Main A was back in Ebeano, complete with security protection. Chai! Uwa wu pawpaw menh yaw!

Mr Main A announced his resumption date as “Acting Director”, since the Department he was resuming to didn’t have a Director. He even offered some people appointments to come and see him in his big office. At the same time, he printed posters to be gorvanaw in his home state.

Ebeano collectively shouted “Mbanu (No nau), hei!” Some powerful king makers now caked Igwe Ebeano and said “Igwe, when a snake fails to show its venom, children will use it to tie firewood” ( courtesy of the great people at @IgboProverbs_).

They reminded Igwe about his Anticorruption stance and that you can tell how smelly feaces would be by how smelly the fart is. Ebeano said “Igwe, how far na?” Osiso osiso (quick quick) Igwe ordered Mr Main A’s sacking. Ndi okacha malu ( too-know people) on Tuwita started.

To show that he was listening to Ebeano, Igwe Ebeano quickly finished reading the report on grass cutting and orphan cowries in Ikoyi that he had been reading at the rate of one page per month. The snake finally showed its venom. The grass cutter and the chief spy were cut down.

Igwe appointed a new scribe whose name is oga. Quick quick, Ebeano people stopped naming their children names like Miracle and Favour @Rouvafe and started naming them “Boss.” They started asking “Who Favour epp? Favour na SGF? Si eba puo osiso! (Get out of here right now!)

Coming out of the bush into Ebeano again, Ezemmuo’s heart is heavy. He suspects that the powerful dibias across the sea that treated Igwe Ebeano secretly planted a secret charm on him that makes Ebeano self harm. Ezemmuo must now return to the forest to polish his charms further.

Meanwhile, Ezemmuo has heard that the Igwe of Zimbabwe is in the process of being deposed. The army is in negotiations with him. They said “Igwe Zimbabwe, we here that the Lolo of Imo in Nigeria is erecting statues. You can go to Imo and stand there pretending to be a statute.”

Igwe Zimbabwe said “Mba nu ( No nau). Let Lolo Imo do a statute of my Lolo Grace, after all, he’s done one for Zuma (continue stealing, in Igbo.) he didn’t do one for nnanyi (our father) Zik or even Sam Mbakwe from the same Imo kindred.)” Odiegwu (na wa o).

Umu nwannem, okwu Ebeano na fu Ezemmuo ufu na obi. (The matters of Ebeano are causing Ezemmuo heartache.) Ezemmuo must now return to the bush. Till we meet again ka odi (E go be). May the gods bless the organisers of #NSF2017. Ezemmuo Ebeano out! Udo (Peace)!

Ebeano Chronicles – 6

admin — Sun, 20 Aug 2017 13:39:00 +0000

Cha! Cha!! Cha!!! Ebeano Kwenu! Ebeano Kwenu!! Ebeano Kwezuonu oooo!!! Onye ga agba egwu? (Who will dance?) #EbeanoChronicles is live!

Ndi Ebeano, nno nu o (People of Ebeano, you are all welcome). It’s been a long long time since our last nzuko (meeting) in this skwiya.

Igwe Ebeano has been away for 3 moons but is now back. We must tell Igwe all that has happened in his absence first. 10 RTs to call others!

Choi! Ndi Ebeano di too sharp!! 10 RTs in less than a minute!!! Ok. Let’s go and see Igwe Ebeano.

Igweeee! Igwe, I ga di o (Igwe, you will live long). Ezemmuo wants to report that your son, Crown Prince Oparaeze is a true son of Ebeano.

In the 3 moons that you have sojourned to obodo oyibo to consult powerful dibias, Oparaeze has done you proud. He’s held the fort admirably.

Oparaeze has done both your job and his own, without an apprentice, like you have in him. His head has more grey hairs than when you left.

Your Lolo, the one in the western kindred where they eat pounded yam without soup, threatened to release pictures of you on life support.

This particular Lolo has insulted your predecessors in the past and went to prostrate later. He now says he wants your throne. Odi egwu!!

Igwe, your return is timely o. Oparaeze had to go to the coronation of Igwe Rwanda. In his absence, Ekwuro Oha would have been in charge.

But Ekwuru Oha (he who speaks on behalf of the community) did not get a chance because Oparaeze came back almost immediately.

The gods had revealed to Ezemmuo that you will be back yesterday. A man doesn’t stay far from where his corn is roasting. You didn’t! Nno.

Igwe, while you were gone, some people started saying “Our mumu don do.” Instead of leaving them to vent, your courtma tear gassed them.

But the same courtma (police) protected those that were saying “We, we no be mumu.” Igwe, your Ezemmuo spoke truth to power, as usual.

Then the leaders of “Our mumu don do” took their protest to the markate. As Beyoncé has beehives, Igwe Bubu too has beehives. They attacked.

Igwe, tell your beehives not to be beating people o, abeg. If anything had happened to Charlie, onye isi (head of) ndi okada, yawa for dey o

Dr Joe Abah, OON

Igwe, while you were away, kwarrapshan changed levels o. Before you left, we had orphan cowries that nobody initially came forward to claim.

Now, we are having massive huts in Banana Island that nobody is claiming. The town crier went round o. Everybody sang Shaggy “it wasn’t me.”

Meanwhile, your son MC Stats @sgyemikale released details of what Ndi Ebeano perceived to be the level and nature of kwarrapshan in Ebeano.

I know it doesn’t come to you as a surprise that your courtma (police) won. The person you put in charge of their Complaints reacted badly.

Instead of blaming the anus that did the farting, he started “konking” the head of your MC Stats and rubbishing the work of his team.

Igwe, you recall that, BY LAW, your MC Stats and his team are the ONLY ones allowed to release credible official statistics about Nigeria.

Igwe, somebody you recruited to protect the law, and whom you gave a gun to do it with, if necessary, is rubbishing the law of the land o.

Igwe, that particular courtma has also been subbing Ezemmuo, but he had ignored him since a lion doesn’t turn around when a small dog barks.

Igwe, please tell MC Stats that a courtma on Tuwita is still a courtma. It doesn’t matter how much you wash a goat, it will still smell.

This markate skwiya is rather silent o. Am I talking only to ghosts or are humans here too. Let me see 20 Faves to know I’m not alone here.

Igwe, the courtma seems to be begging you with his name o. In the language of the western kindred, his name can literally mean “remove me”!

Igwe, while you were away, your courtma caught a notorious suspected kidnapper called Evans. This was very good commendable work.

The problem, Igwe, is that your courtma then proceeded to shamelessly start famzing with him, even taking selfies. Odi kwa serious o, Igwe.

Igwe, ndi Enjaysee that settle quarrels and punish crime also reacted strangely to what Ndi Ebeano are saying about level of kwarrapshan.

Their own was that “we chop a little bribe, but not as much as MC Stats said.” My lords, it wasn’t MC Stats that said. It was Ndi Ebeano.

Igwe, while you were away, alu mekwaa (an abomination happened). Some devils went to a church in Ozobulu and killed worshippers inside.

They say it has to something to do with ogwu ojoo (bad merecine or hard drugs). They say some bishops have been dining with the devil.

Ndi efulefu (the lost ones) Boko Haram have also stood up from where you told them to “stoop down” and are killing people again.

Igwe, while you were gone, ndi PeeDeePee have managed to remove the fish bone that was stuck in their throat. The convened successfully.

One of their Lolos even had the maturity to come and welcome you yesterday. This is true African spirit, which must be commended.

In Africa, when a man returns from the dead, the whole community celebrates, both friends and enemies. Respect to Lolo of the many rivers.

Igwe, as you know, your Ezemmuo has been in the palace for 4 years now. He must now return to the bush from whence he came.

While he’s in the bush strengthening his charms and recharging his batteries, he remains committed to the progress of Ebeano.

Ezemmuo thanks Igwe GEJ who gave him an opportunity to serve based on his reputation only. Ezemmuo respects his contributions to Ebeano.

Ezemmuo also thanks Igwe PMB for trusting Ezemmuo’s integrity and giving him a free hand to intervene wherever Ndi Ebeano wanted him to.

Ezemmuo has many imperfections. He has wronged many people in his time in the palace, but it was always in the zeal to do his job for Ebeano

Even with the spirit in him, Ezemmuo is only human. He laughs, he cries, he gets happy, he gets sad. He gets subs and subs back.

Dr Joe Abah, OON

His words often go from the sublime to the ridiculous. That’s what makes him the Ezemmuo he is. No apologies for being the Ezemmuo he is.

However, sincere apologies to everyone he has offended, including today. Having disagreed, we must now unite Ebeano and move it forward.

Until we meet again to work together on any other platform for the progress of Ebeano, Ezemmuo Ebeano says “E go be.”

Ebeano Chronicles – 5

admin — Sat, 20 May 2017 13:34:00 +0000

#EbeanoChronicles 10 minutes

Obi has come down from the tree. He wants dollars for his mmanya mriri (water wine: palm wine), but Emefiele is like:

Ebeano Kwenu! Kwenu! Kwezuonu oooo!!! Is Ebeano at the skwiya? RT to say Iyaaaa and call others to #EbeanoChronicles.

Our son @adesoji45 has brought anu nchi (grass-cutter) and palmy to the market skwiya. Those that own us will bless him. May he never fall.

Even if our son, @adesoji45 is to fall, Amadioha forbid, may he fall like the penis and not like the breast.

For when the penis falls, he will rise again once he sees his food. But when the breast falls, it has fallen o.

As our son, Furevor, says “Ala dala ada ada go” (the breast that has fallen has fallen). Ezemmuo hears that they now put salt water in it o.

So Ezemmuo went to the bush to source herbs to make merecine for one Mazi and another one started shouting and throwing his weight around.

Mazi Okeke: “Do you know who I am?” My sister nwada @Tutsy22 shouted back “Ebeano come o. There’s a Mazi here who doesn’t know who he is!”

At the beginning of the new moon (May 1st) ndi workers made their annual demand for an increase in the yams they are paid for their labour.

As usual, those “workers” who do no work at all were at the forefront of the agitation. They even went to occupy Eagle Skwiya.

The fowl has decided to blow breeze on its own behind, saying “En hen? This is me in all my glory. What are you going to do about it?”

Apart from Ohaneze people in some age grades earn far more yams than others, for doing exactly the same labourer work.

So, if you do your labourer work in the Central Barn or in the Ebeano National Oyil Corporation, you are a freeborn and others are Osu.

Osus are outcasts to be sacrificed to the gods. A practice that Ebeano is trying to get rid of. So how does Ebeano deal with the free borns?

Even Ndi Ebeano that are putting their lives on the line to fight ndi efulefu Boko Haram in the north east earn much less than Central Barn.

So ndi labour want Ebeano them to pay more yams. Igwe Ebeano is now “confuse.” Ndi labour already eat 70%. Only 1.8 million of them o.

The other 73.2 million Ebeanorians are expected to live on the remaining 30%, plus the crumbs that fall from the tables of state Lolos.

Did Ezemmuo just say 73.2 million? See Evil Spirits affecting his speech. He meant 173.2 million. Where’s that palmy?

At the same time, Ebeano doesn’t want Igwe to sack workers. Indeed, they think Igwe should employ more yoots and pay more. Igwe is like:

Now Igwe Ebeano cannot reduce the yams he gives to some people and at the same time cannot raise the yams he gives to others. Hmmm.

“Igwe. It is true that ndi workers get too few yams. Indeed, they get fewer yams than ndi workers in other parts of Afirika. Not even top 10

“So, there are two solutions. First is to reduce the number of people doing nothing in the age grade associations (agencies.)”

“That way, you can pay those that remain more yams. The second is to grow more yams and make it easier to do the business of growing yams.”

“With Ebeano having more yams, paying ndi workers more will not look like that much of a big deal. But you need to wait until then, Igwe.”

If you agree with ndi Labour that the minimum yams should rise immediately regardless, please RT. If you agree with Nwokorobia Agu, then FAV

Hm? Who is calling Ezemmuo? 22 FAVs already? Ok. Let’s continue. Let’s leave ndi Labour to their delusions.

Now, Ebeano has had many incidences of orphan cowries. Once E Ef See See discovers huge stacks of cowries, everybody denies ownership.

The latest one is orphan hotels. The allegation is that the Lolo of Zamfara built the MMM (Mekwe Meningitis Motel), but he has denied it.

The hope is that the $3 million Motel will be used to house Ebeanorians that have no hut to live in and those suffering from meningitis.

Meanwhile, Igwe Ebeano has sojourned again to obodo oyibo to consult powerful dibias. When he was leaving, he wrote to Ohaneze, as usual.

Then ndi asiri started again. That he said Oparaeze will coordinate activities in the kingdom, instead of acting on his behalf.

Meanwhile, Oparaeze started showing his humorous side. He sang Ajeku Iya and joked about whistleblowing.

Immediately, Oparaeze has started issuing orders to make farming in Ebeano easier. People must now buy Made-In-Ebeano to grow Ebeano.

Let’s see whether Ohaneze will listen and buy Innoson with the billions they voted for themselves for new boats.

They must also give permission for license applications within 48 hours and must stop “excessive greeting” at airport toilets.

Meanwhile, ndi iro (haters) posted pictures about flooding in an air boat park and claimed it was the newly done air park in Ebeano capital.

They didn’t even care that it didn’t rain that much in the capital. The desperation to paint Igwe Ebeno in bad light is really strong o.

However, it is only as strong as the desperation of some to paint him in good light. Some yoot even post pictures of abandoned luxury boats.

They then claim it was luxury boats recovered by E Ef See See, to show that Igwe is working. Even though the boats were in China.

Some have said Ebeano should legislate against fake news. But, their records of fake news will legislate against them, without legislation.

Meanwhile, Sinator Ajeku Iya of Ohaneze has written a book. E Ef See See didn’t attend the book launch but I See Pee See went. Na wa o.

President of Ohaneze was a major launcher and Payshay Diaris God o was also there. Alhaji Putin, as usual, sold guns to both sides. AGIP!

Ohaneze bought copies for all their members to make sure they learn how to do kwarrapshan, with our money o. Chei! The life of an Osu!

As the moon comes out over Ebeano, Ezemmuo needs to go and attend to his other duties and make sacrifices to cleanse Ebeano land of evil.

Join us in the next edition of #EbeanoChronicles. This edition is distributed by Okon Calabar Pee Elu See. 2, Okpon Ibot Road, Calabar.